Maybe that’s why the computer thought he was an idiot.
The door opened, and relief washed through Max. Awkward half-conversations with Rick were infinitely better than working on the computer matrix. “Rick, my buddy, my friend. Save me from the evil computer.”
One of Rick’s tentacles twitched. Max needed to up his game. On good days he could get three or four of them to curl. “Translation matrix has failed,” Rick said. “Define evil.”
“Evil. Sadistic. Serving the dark forces. Causing pain. The enjoyment of others’ pain. Evil.”
“Query. Correlation Darth Vader.”
“Exactly,” Max said happily. He might have been trapped light years from home with no idea of where home might actually be, but at least he could corrupt an entire new species. Max took his pleasure where he could find it.
“Query. Do does what how Max designate computer to call Darth Vader?”
That had been as clear as crude oil. Max made a mental note to work with the computer on the structure of questions. “Answer. No. I dislike computer now. Darth Vader is evil always.”
“Computer dislikes you,” Rick said. Either the computer had an artificial intelligence or Rick was developing an attitude. Max liked it. Rick waved his talking-tentacle, the one most likely to twitch or curl when communicating. “Come for health to offspring.”
“Query. When will I see offspring?”
Rick’s answer was a cacophony of untranslatable notes. So far the computer and Max had found no common ground on time, despite the fact that the computer at the common dock could calculate years. Or maybe it hadn’t. Maybe it had been trying to communicate something other than time. Either way, Max sucked at estimating a minute, because this computer kept informing him that his examples failed to match. It would have helped if the military ship hadn’t confiscated every piece of technology, including his wrist watch. Until he figured out how to count to sixty-Mississippi accurately, any discussions of time ended in failure.
Apparently they would go pick up the kids when Rick was good and ready. Until then, Max was free to wander the ship and work on translations. “Right. So what are we doing for the health of offspring who are not even on the ship?”
Rick pivoted on his leg tentacle and left the room.
Max muttered, “Okay. Sure. I’d be happy to go with you. Thank you so much for asking.” Sarcasm was so much more effective when the other person understood English. In some ways Rick was the best roommate he’d ever had. Rick would not only listen to Max ramble on about something hopelessly geeky, but he asked questions that made it clear he listened and thought about what Max had said.
In other ways, living with him was all kinds of frustrating.
Rick took the passage that would take them to the interior of the ship. So far Max had focused more on the outer corridors. They were larger and allowed Max to run laps. His explorations had revealed that the ship was less a maze and more a spider web of corridors that crossed and re-crossed.
Experienced servicemen and women loved to play head games with newbies lost on various ships and bases. Navigating them were infamously difficult. However, Max dared anyone to compare an airbase to the crazy logic of alien ships.
“Query. Where?” Max asked.
“There,” Rick answered.
“I should have seen that coming. You are very Yoda-like. Yoda was Luke Skywalker’s teacher. I should probably tell you that Luke is the real hero of the story. I just like Darth Vader’s story more.”
“Darth Vader evil.”
“Yes.”
Rick stopped and leaned toward Max. “Query. Evil, preference for.”
Max had stuck his foot in his mouth that time. “No. I don’t like evil. I find evil interesting to talk about.” The last thing he needed was for Rick to decide that Max couldn’t be trusted around children. As it was, he kept pressing about Max’s time in the military. Maybe he still had Max on a probationary period. If so, he was one seriously overprotective parent of indiscriminate gender.
Rick bugled something untranslatable and then headed down the corridor again. Hopefully Max had passed the test and convinced his boss that he wouldn’t turn the children to the dark side. However, Max should probably avoidStar Warsdiscussions in the future.
MaybeBabylon 5with its message that evil was more about misunderstanding and selfish manipulations would be more in keeping. Then he could give Rick the impression that he was a conniving manipulator and not a psychopath. That would be so much better. “Or I need to learn to keep my mouth closed,” Max said aloud. He had always been a social man and this isolation was driving him a little batty. If he had to police his language, he might have the psychotic break Rick clearly worried about.
A door slid open and Rick glided into a room with a giant pool in the center. “Oh my God. Is that a swimming pool?” It was more likely a radioactive cooling tank, but a man could dream. This was the largest open space he had seen yet. Gently sloping sides went all the way around the room and in the center was a round, larger-than-Olympic sized pool. Quick currents moved out from four pipes that rose from under the water and each had stair-step rocks around it so it created small waterfalls that darted down the uneven surface, randomly changing their chosen path from one second to another.
“Query. Define swim.”
That was tricky. If the water was contaminated or radioactive, Max absolutely did not want to give Rick the idea that he wanted to get in. So instead of answering, he asked a question of his own. “Query. Is water safe?”
“Healthy,” Rick assured him, and then, as if to prove his point, he walked straight down the slope and into the water. As the water rose over his tentacles, Rick began to wave them in octopus-like ways. Max looked away. Rick’s nudity might be normal for him, but every once in a while, Max had pornographic thoughts that made him feel like an ass. After all, Rick had only wanted to do a physical exam, and thanks to Max and his uncontrolled dick, things had gotten awkward.
