She nodded slowly, even as her thoughts spiraled. Handle it. Could she handle going back? Could she handle seeing Jakob, or would it be worse if she didn’t see him at all?
“I’ll need to think about the logistics,” she said carefully. The expense of the trip was going to be difficult.
“Of course,” her professor agreed. “But time is a factor. The plant only surfaces during a narrow seasonal window.”
A window that was already opening.
Mallory left the office as quickly as she could. Her head buzzed with excitement and dread so tangled together she couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began. The research potential thrilled her, a real chance to contribute something real and something meaningful. But the cost loomed large. Both financially and emotionally.
Her parents’ reactions were exactly as she’d expected.
“You’re going there again?” her mother demanded over the kitchen table with disbelief etched into every line of her face.
“Yes, mom, back to Onyxheim,” Mallory repeated and fought to keep her voice steady. “Back to the Northlands.”
Her father folded his arms. “Didn’t you get enough when you went there the first time? And come back… different?”
Mallory flinched. “I came back more experienced.”
“You came back heartbroken,” her mother reminded her softly, which somehow hurt more.
“This is for my studies,” Mallory insisted. “Really. This isn’t for a holiday. It’s to find a rare medicinal plant. My professor wants original field research.”
Her parents exchanged a look that said they didn’t completely believe her. To be fair, she couldn’t blame them.
“And this has nothing to do with that man?” her father asked. “Jakob, was it?”
Mallory stood and scraped her chair against the floor. “I’m not having this conversation.” Talking about Jakob wasnot something she wanted to right before heading back into his territory.
“Mallory, please,” her mother begged.
“I’ve already taken out the loan,” she informed them in no uncertain terms. The words tumbled out before she could soften them. “I leave in two days.”
Thick and heavy silence followed her admission. She waited.
Her mother’s eyes filled with worry. “You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”
Mallory’s throat tightened. “That’s not why I’m going. I have to do this for school and my future.”
She just didn’t know who she was really doing it for.
Two days later, the flight north was too long and far too quiet.
Mallory stared out the window as clouds gave way to jagged stretches of snow and mountains. Her reflection was faint in the glass window and she could see the confusion in her gaze. She wanted to see Jakob but she was afraid she’d run into him.
She told herself to focus on her notes and the plant and its rumored properties she was after. But all the data points and observation methods escaped her mind.
Instead, Jakob’s face kept intruding.
The memory of his warm and steady hands every time he saved her. The way his voice softened in ways she had only heard for her. The way he’d looked at her the last time and the battle in his eyes that were torn between duty and something that had felt dangerously like love.
What if he didn’t want to see her?
What if he did but it changed nothing and she just had to leave again?
Her chest ached with the familiar fear. She would be drawn to him all over again just to be pushed away. That she would discover she still wasn’t enough. She had survived leaving him once, but she wasn’t sure that she was strong enough to survive leaving him, or being rejected, again.
By the time she reached the hotel, her nerves were frayed raw. She had specifically requested the same room at the same hotel she had stayed at before. Part of her was nervous that it was a big flashing sign that she was back in town, but the other part told her that Jakob had no idea she was back there but was still thrilled at the off chance he would stop by.
