Which leads me to the other big question.Damiano says a future with him means a future with Seth, as well.
DamianoandSeth.I know what Damiano wants—all three of us together.I know what Seth doesn’t want—a relationship with his dead brother’s widow.
But what doIwant?
I wish I had someone to talk to.A close friend, or a trusted relative.
Instead, all I have are these letters, which I’m reading like some kind of strange, time-traveling voyeur.
I openI’s next letter and hold up my translation app.
Dearest V—The darkness of winter is lightening to something warmer, more tolerable.Not quite spring, no, not yet.But small grasses emerge from the earth, hopeful.You will soon be here, at my side, and we can walk and talk together.No more of this cruel distance.
Is it too much to ask that you remain here to live with me, for a while?I am in need of a roommate.I have an extra room and bed; it would not be improper.
Little fish, with you at my side, in my flat, it will never feel like winter again.
M— and S— are engaged to be married.It is the most interesting talk of the village.I wish to tell them that the far more interesting news is your imminent arrival.However, nobody would understand the true depth of my excitement.I am both envious of, and happy for, M— and S—.Their love is within their grasp, not meant to be hidden.If only everyone had such an opportunity.Love would solve so many ills in the world.It should not be punished or feared.
I set the letter down because tears are blurring my vision so much, I can’t read the rest of the words.I’s yearning is powerful, and powerfully tragic.Especially knowing that Great-Aunt Vivienne ended her years here in the US, alone.What happened to I?
There’s only one letter after this one.Fuck it.I’ll pay for the stupid app.I have the money—I have more money than I know what to do with.
A few navigations through the app’s payment portal, and I now have a one-month subscription.All for one silly letter.
Dearest V?—
Yes!Yes, I will come to you.I cannot wait for our visit, and to meet your family, and to see the beautiful state of California.No one is speaking of M—and S—’s upcoming nuptials any longer.They are all talking of strange Irina and her funny American friend sending her a plane ticket to America.
Soon, I will be at your side, little fish, and cold winters will be nothing but an old nightmare.
Wait a minute...I remember that name.Irina.She was mentioned once or twice at family gatherings, usually in hushed voices.I never made the connection that she was Great-Aunt Vivienne’s “friend.”There was a funeral, I think, after her death.My parents didn’t go, of course.They wouldn’t have approved.
My memories are so hazy, I don’t trust them.I pull up Ford’s contact in my phone and send him a text.Do you remember someone named Irina?
While I wait for him to respond, I go to the window and look out toward the Kavlans’ house.I haven’t heard from Matthew or Charmaine since the other day.Good.It’s a shame I can’t be friendly with my neighbors, but I don’t need that kind of drama in my life.
I also haven’t seen any hints of what Matthew said.No one has been hanging around the place.Ford came by the other day and pruned the bushes in the side yard.Annoying, especially after I told him I was interviewing landscaping companies.But he’s just trying to be helpful.
A creaking noise downstairs makes me jump.For fuck’s sake.Matthew really got into my head.There’s nobody here—if there was, they’d set off the alarm system.
Ford’s response comes in.She was Vivienne’s partner.I never met her.She died fifteen years ago.Cancer or some other kind of illness.I can’t remember.
I write back a quick thanks and sit with the pile of letters.Irina made it here, and she and Vivienne were together.No more harsh winters of the soul for Irina.She got to live out the rest of her life with her “little fish.”Their love overcame so much.
Yet here I am complaining about the idea of loving two men instead of one.What am I thinking?
I’ve fallen for Damiano.If Seth would have me, I’m certain I’d fall for him, too.A crazy, dangerous part of me already has, if I’m completely honest.Which is heartbreaking, especially if Seth isn’t willing.
But Damiano should know where my heart lies—with him, and with Seth.
Vivienne’s star sapphire ring twinkles on my finger.I can imagine Vivienne’s eyes twinkling in the same way as she winks and whispers,You know what to do.
Quickly, I get dressed.I need to go there.I need to tell him.
* * *
SETH
