Not on his watch.
Jamie came forward after a moment, carefully accepting the glass from Alexei, mindful of his grip. “You don’t have to drink with me if you don’t want to.”
“Is what Russians do when it hurts,” Alexei said gruffly. “We drink.”
Jamie’s expression twisted, that overpowering, dark grief coming to the forefront again. He squeezed his eyes shut, a couple of tears leaking out, before he got himself under control. Alexei took a sip from his glass and didn’t say anything when Jamie drank his down in one long swallow. He just refilled the glass.
Since the armchair was too far away, Alexei took a seat on the bed. He let Jamie stare at nothing for a couple of minutes before patting the spot beside him.
“Sit,” Alexei said.
It didn’t sound like an order to Alexei, but Jamie reacted as if it were. He sat down, keeping space between them, holding the glass with both hands and refusing to look Alexei in the eye. Alexei took his time finishing his glass, not really in a rush to start the conversation that Katie had known they’d needed to have.
Alexei poured himself a second glass, using his thumb to wipe away a drop of vodka sliding down the outside.
“Not hate you,” he said quietly, staring down at the clear liquid. “Know why you did it.”
Jamie’s laughter was unexpected, but there was no humor in the raw sound coming out of his mouth. “I hate myself.”
“He say take shot. You took shot. Was only way.”
As bitter as the words were on his tongue, Alexei knew they were the truth. He’d read Jamie’s after-action report last night—or rather, Sean had read it to him. It hadn’t been any easier to get through.
“I could have said yes,” Jamie whispered, practically choking on the words.
Alexei took a sip of vodka, letting the astringent liquor burn his gums. “Not see Kyle that way. Be worse.”
At that, Jamie finally looked at him, blue eyes wide and full of self-recrimination. “IshotKyle.”
Alexei needed to drain half his glass after that statement. “Da. Because no choice.”
Stanislav had made sure of it. Jamie could have said yes and Stanislav would’ve taken Kyle with him as leverage. If Jamie had said no, Kyle would have died from a bullet to the brain. Either way, Alexei would have lost his brother to that bastard. Except Jamie had found the way out none of them had seen, not even Stanislav with his ability to see the future. Because if there was one thing any of them on the team knew, it was that when Jamie loved, he lovedhard. And Alexei was generous enough to believe that Jamie loved Kyle as much as he did.
Maybe more, in a different way.
But Jamie had still done what was necessary, something Alexei knew he himself would never have been able to do.
“Not hate you,” Alexei said, holding Jamie’s gaze, even though the words felt like nails in his throat, prickly and sharp. “Angry?Da. Hurt?Da. But not at you. Not hate you.”
“We aren’t supposed to leave a man behind,” Jamie said hoarsely, lips trembling. “But I did. By my own hand,I did.”
Alexei drained his glass of vodka and reached for the bottle. Fuck manners, the glass wasn’t big enough. He took a long swallow before resting it on his knee. “Brought him home, Jamie. How that leave him behind?”
Jamie squeezed his eyes shut, choking on a sob. The glass in his hand broke from his too-strong grip, spilling shards and vodka on the carpet between his bare feet. Jamie swore, wiping at his eyes with one hand while Alexei plucked the broken glass out of his other hand and put it on the nightstand.
“Fuck,” Jamie whispered, his eyes following Alexei’s movement and latching on to the pictures of Kyle cycling through the holopic frame. “Fuck, I miss him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“You were good for him,” Alexei admitted roughly. “Always smile with you.”
Jamie closed his eyes, mouth pressed into a trembling white line. “He made me happy. He always…I’ll always…love him.”
Alexei lifted the bottle to his mouth, nearly choking on the vodka, but he swallowed the alcohol around the tightness in his throat. “I know.”
“I’m sorry. I’msosorry, Alexei.”
Alexei offered him the bottle of vodka. When Jamie reached for it, Alexei wouldn’t let go until Jamie looked him in the eye. “Lyosha. Can call me Lyosha, Jamie. Is what family calls me. And you…you family. Never doubt.”
The bottle trembled in Alexei’s hand, in danger of breaking from Jamie’s enhanced strength. Then Jamie took a deep breath and the shaking stopped. Alexei let the bottle go and Jamie drank down as much as he could stomach.
