I’d tried to get there—to commit, to spend time with him, tofeelsomething…and I just didn’t. I had to end things before I caused actual damage. I’d already given him one too many promises I hadn’t been able to keep. About dates and when to meet up.
To think, I’d actually considered whisking him away on a vacation this winter.
I sighed and pocketed my phone, then looked back out of the patio door, where Ash was playing in the snow with Micah, Lily, and Dylan. Well, Dylan was having a blast filming the other three on his phone.
Ash had landed on his back after a fierce battle, and now Micah and Lily climbed aboard and shoved snow in his face.
I couldn’t help but smile.
He’d always been the best dad.
I was the boring one who removed the nail polish Lily thought looked great on me. In my defense, I couldn’t face grieving patients with sparkly pink nail polish.
Ash, though. He wore it until it peeled off.
He said it went great with all the colorful bracelets the kids had made for us over the years.
I wore the same one every day. One that they’d all added some beads to.
Best Father’s Day present.
I took a sip of my coffee, pondering if I should tell them the cocoa was ready, or if I should let them roughhouse a while longer.
They’d been out there for almost two hours while I’d finished setting up Christmas decorations in the living room.
Was this the last Christmas all stockings hung next to each other on the mantel?
More and more lately, I resented my own kinks. Because it wasn’t only about Ash these days. Even though I couldn’t get attached to anyone, I’d rediscovered how much I loved being a Dom. I wanted more of it someday. But that was also what would keep me away from the man I couldn’t unlove.
I stiffened and became mindful when I realized I wasn’t alone. Hallie came up next to me and peered out as well.
“Do you know how many kids in my class have parents who are divorced, Dad?”
I suppressed a sigh. “Quite a few.”
“Twelve classmates. And none of them have the experiences I have. Like, when they talk about how their moms and dads behave…?”
I swallowed.
She held up one of the decorations I’d left in the box, a fake mistletoe.
“Not this year,” I said. “Micah will find it weird if Dad and I don’t kiss.”
Ash had bought that thing years ago. He’d walked around with it at first, to collect smooches and hugs. Micah had been all over it.
Hallie slumped her shoulders and rested her head on my bicep. “Do you still love him, Daddy?”
Dammit.
I put an arm around her instead, and I kissed the top of her head. “I willalwayslove your father, darling. And trust me, if there were a way for us to be together, we would. Our love was never a problem.”
“But blah-blah-blah, I’m too young to understand what’s wrong,” she mumbled.
I chuckled quietly and rubbed her arm.
“Did either of you cheat?” she whispered. “Jenna’s mom had an affair.”
“No—never,” I assured her. “Never in a million years.” I paused. “If that had happened, let me tell you, this whole thing would’ve been over already.”
