What-the-fuck-ever.
“Anyway,” he went on. And we both ignored the ding of the microwave. Consider my appetite gone. “Eli doesn’t feel sexual attraction at all. It’s purely emotional and mental.”
I nodded once and absently cracked my knuckles. “Great. So I don’t have to worry about you raw-dogging the guy, just possibly falling in love with him. Wonderful.”
“Ash, I—” A harsh breath gusted out of him, and now the frustration was clear as day. I didn’t give a fuck. “I’m trying here. We’re supposed to heal and move on. I want you to be happy too.”
I didn’t want him to be happy without me, and I didn’t care that it made me a raging douchebag. I wanted him to be as miserable as I was.
Fuck him so fucking hard. Every time we had a fight or something moved us closer toward divorce, he made me feel so goddamn exposed. Because I couldn’t hide what I felt.
Nate got up and plated the pizza for me, that I wasn’t gonna eat, before he returned and went back to eating his lunch.
I couldn’t eat. Unlike him, I wasn’thappy.
Unlike him, I didn’t have a third date lined up.
What kind of name was Eli anyway?
“I just wanted you to know so you didn’t get blindsided if you spoke to anyone at Mclean,” he said.
How kind of him.
For every bite of food he took, he pissed me off further. How could he be so casual and…
Never mind.
It was the happiness.
“How’s it going out there, by the way?” I had to change the topic. I’d think about him and his new relationship enough as it was. “After the fire, I mean.”
“It’s going well, I think,” he replied thoughtfully. “To be honest, I’m enjoying getting more involved.”
I knew he’d offered free counseling to anyone who wanted someone to talk to. A lot of people had been in the house when the fire had started. People I knew…and partners of theirs I hadn’t met yet because I’d turned into an antisocial shell of a man. Boy, I sucked. River and Reese had met someone. So had Lucas and Colt. Sweet li’l Cam had actually gotten together with Lucian and KC—and another boy, if I wasn’t mistaken. Lucian, who’d once told me he could never date anyone under thirty. Words spoken by Greer too, who had just reunited with a blast from his past. I didn’t have all the info on that dynamic, but I was fairly sure more people were involved.
I didn’t ask too many questions when I met up with Penelope and KC. Part of me felt like I didn’t deserve it, considering how I’d pulled away from everyone last winter. But that didn’t fucking mean I wanted Nate to swoop in and steal all my friends.
Maybe it was time I went on the offensive and stole them back. It wouldn’t kill me to reconnect a little.
“All right, let’s talk divorce,” I said, ready to get the hell out of here. “My estimate is that I will need four or five months to get the house in order. I’ll finish what’s gonna be my bedroom first so that I don’t have to sleep in my office longer than necessary, and then I’ll alternate between working on the kids’ rooms and the kitchen.”
He nodded once and set down his food container.
“In the meantime, I want to make some changes to our daily routine,” I went on. “In short, no more dinners together at the house. Dylan and Hallie can decide for themselves—they’re old enough—but I wanna get started on a flexible every-other-weekstructure with Mikey and Lily. As in when it’s my week, I will spend time with them out of the house. I’ll take them to Little League and swimming lessons, we’ll go to the park, I’ll help Mikey with his homework at Theo and Claire’s house, and so on. I’ll find things to do—with the goal being to get them used to not having me around the old house anymore.”
Nate nodded slowly as he processed. “I’m with you so far, but Dylan and Hallie will need that structure too. Even though they’re old enough, having the choice of where to spend their time might make them feel guilty. We don’t want that on their shoulders—I mean, for them to worry if they’re splitting the time evenly or not.”
Good point. We definitely didn’t want that. But I wasn’t done. “I was more thinking in the beginning before we can be at my place. Hallie and Dylan are usually busy with activities and friends after school anyway.”
“Okay, fair.”
“We can include them in the new structure once their rooms are finished,” I continued. “They already know the truth, so it’ll be easier for them to get used to having two homes.” Hallie might be the exception. She still believed Nate and I were going to find our way back to each other. “And then I was thinking, maybe after the holidays, I can start bringing Mikey and Lily over to my house… What?”
He had a weird expression.
“Nothing, it’s just—how are you going to explain that to them? Or are we having the talk with them before you show them the house?”
I shifted in my seat, unsure on this matter. “That’s part of why I wanted to talk to you. One option is to show them the house and tell them I’m working on it—and that we’re moving in sometime in the future. So they’ll get used to the idea and can get involved in choosing things for their bedrooms.”
