Every fucking time I saw him holding back, it hurt more than I could describe. I needed his fucking anger.
I didn’t know how else to get through this.
“As for money, I’m good,” he said. “I have enough for a down payment in the future. And I have collateral. I have my business. I have inventory. You need the sale of the house. Besides, you’ve been paying more in our day-to-day life than I have.”
I didn’t respond, because it felt bizarre to discuss our assets already. I didn’t care enough.
“I gotta take a leak,” he muttered and left the table.
He walked out so abruptly that I wasn’t sure he actually had to go to the bathroom.
That was part of it, wasn’t it? We’d now reached the stage where we didn’t wanna show each other what fucking wrecks we were.
My eyes welled up again, and I distracted myself by checking my phone. More accurately, my Mclean messages. I wanted to know if Nat could cover for me next week. I couldn’t imagine myself hosting bondage sessions in the foreseeable future, much less on Wednesday.
Given that both Hallie and Dylan were at a sensitive stage in life, I was already planning on taking a break from everything. I wanted to speak to my kids’ teachers, not think about jute and hemp. I wanted to close myself in, not be social.
Nat hadn’t responded yet, so I clicked on Ash’s profile instead. I just wanted to see the smile in his phot?—
User not found.
A breath gusted out of me.
I only let myself melt down when I’m alone. Usually in the shower where evidence runs down the drain. Except, the shower is packed with memories of us reconnecting, so it makes everything worse.
I sob pathetically into my hands while clinging to simpler times. Moments where “How was your day?” and “Did the meeting go well?” mingled with soft kisses and wandering hands. I always needed at least one of your hums of approval at my fingers in your hair. You loved that. And I loved that sound you made. Pure, relaxed pleasure.
All I feel now is pain. Sharp, crippling pain.
Who am I without you?
CHAPTER 10
Twelve months ago
Alexandria
Ash Riley
Sixteen minutes, and then I could breathe again.
Daddy had given himself a raise, so I wanted to get a head start on picking the best gift for Hallie’s birthday. Which wasn’t for another two weeks, but whatever. It wasn’t like I had a life anymore. Besides, it wasn’t every day you became a teenager.
Someone knocked on the door to my office, and Theo soon poked his head in.
“What’s up?” I asked.
He glanced at the absolute mess I was surrounded by. But unlike him, office work was a necessary evil that I avoided as much as possible. I was in the office two days a week. I belonged on the sides of buildings.
“I bet I can find files in here that are older than your children,” he told me.
“I’m sure.” I shrugged and scratched my nose.
He nodded at my desk, which was definitely buried underneath a bunch of shit. “Did you go through the résumés?”
Oh yeah, I had them here somewhere. I dug for the stack under a pile of magazines and orders— “Here. I sorted them by which ones I liked the most.”
He came over and grabbed the stack from me. “James Hackett,” he read aloud.
