Although I have to admit, one of the reasons I keep coming back is SunshineGuy.
Initially, all we did was argue, but lately…? Lately, it’s felt more like amusing disagreements with a friend rather than intellectual warfare with someone whose brain has been rotted by rom-coms.
Now, when I’m having a particularly bad day at work, dealing with architects who think load-bearing walls are suggestions and clients who want to remove columns because they’re “blocking the feng shui,” I actually find myself looking forward to seeing what ridiculous story SunshineGuy is defending.
I’ve started to structure my moderation schedule around when he’s online. Not in a weird way. Just in a completely logical way, where I’ve optimized for overlap. He logs on early in the morning, then again during his lunch break, and finally around nine p.m., after what he once mentioned was his evening run. It’s purely for efficiency. You can’t properly fact-check without someone to argue with about the results.
I’ve even found myself saving his best comebacks in a file I definitely didn’t label “SunshineIdiot.txt.” It’s purely for research purposes because I need to study his argumentpatterns for weaknesses. The fact that some of his comments are genuinely funny is a compounding variable I’m choosing to ignore.
Like the one where he said my skepticism was so strong it could be listed as the cause of death on Cupid’s autopsy report. I’m still annoyed at how much that made me laugh.
Anyway, time to stop thinking about him and get back to arguing with him.
TruthGuardian
There are other aspects of the story besides the insta-love that don’t check out. Who gets engaged at the scene of their accident?
SunshineGuy
Maybe they’re just really into symbolic gestures? Some people propose where they first met. This is just…automotive-themed romance.
TruthGuardian
Automotive-themed romance should not be a genre that exists.
SunshineGuy
Says the person who probably categorizes love stories in Excel spreadsheets with twelve color-coded tabs.
I pause, fingers hovering over my keyboard. Because I absolutely have a spreadsheet. And it’s definitely color-coded.
TruthGuardian
Mine actually has fifteen tabs.
SunshineGuy
Oh my god, you actually have a spreadsheet. This explains so much. Do you have formulas? Please tell me you have formulas to calculate the probability of a story being true.
TruthGuardian
Of course I do. The formulas are perfectly reasonable.
(Specificity of details × consistency of timeline) ÷ number of convenient coincidences + likelihood of documentation = bullshit factor.
SunshineGuy
I’m printing this out and framing it. “Bullshit Factor: A Mathematical Approach to Romance by TruthGuardian”
TruthGuardian
Don’t forget the subtitle: “Why SunshineGuy Is Wrong: A Comprehensive Analysis”
SunshineGuy
Joke’s on you, I’d absolutely read any report with that title. Especially if it has graphs. Please tell me there are graphs.
TruthGuardian
