I blew out a harsh breath. “I suppose I’m not as intelligent as I think I am. When I came here, Vyaan expected me to be a womanizing freeloader, benefitting off my family name. Might as well prove them right after all these years.”
“You don’t believe that,” Thaine said, dismissing the words readily. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, so you can help yourself. SoIcan help you.”
I took another drag on thelore, the tip lighting up a bright blue, making the night sky appear luminous.
“What do you want?” Thaine growled.
“I want her back,” came the easy words. The simple truth came tumbling out from me. Shockingly effortless.
Thaine’s shoulders released their tension. He seemed pleased with the answer. Relieved.
“But she doesn’t want to see me. The things I said to her…”
“She won’t see you if she believes you think this of her,” hefinished for me. “So tell me now, right here…do youreallybelieve she’s just using you? Do you really believe what her friend said about her?”
“No,” I said gruffly. Another simple and sudden confession, pulled from me like a prayer. “My instinct tells me otherwise.”
All of my interactions with her told me the truth of what I believed—I just hadn’t listened. I’d been so hell-bent on believing the worst of her, believing that she would be the end of me, that I’d trusted those I shouldn’t have.
I’d met my fair share of social climbers in my lifetime. Not once had Erina ever sparked my suspicions…until that night with Velle and Lydrasa.
I thought about her simple pleasure of getting lost in the gardens all day, her notebook spread open, a pencil tucked behind her ear. She was passionate about her stories and drawings, so lit up with delight when she talked about them.
She wore hand-me-downs. She didn’t seem to care overly about her appearance to others, which was so unlike all the females I’d ever known. Maudoric had only ever said good things about her, unlike some of the other keepers in my employ.
Not only thatbut she’d returned the credits I’d given her. If she’d been in it for the money, she never would’ve done that. It didn’t make sense.
She was kind. She was forgiving, even when I’d been cold. She’d soothed a frayed, restless ferocity in me, made me feel like I was finally at peace in those rare moments where I’d let myself sink into her.
The only truth had been about Luc, hadn’t it? She did love him. These last few weeks, I’d started to consider she might be better off with him. I’d only given her pain.
“I wanted to believe the worst about her. I’m the one whodrove her away. I did this,” I confessed to Thaine quietly. “And she hates me now.”
I remembered that night in the study. It seemed like a lifetime ago. I remembered her hurt, which at the time I’d thought she’d been faking.
I’d said all kinds of things about her, to her. Accused her of things I now didn’t believe to be true—that she was greedy and ambitious.
You’re not anything like I’d hoped you’d be,she’d told me that night with sad, defeated eyes.
Her only crime had been loving someone else, and I’d vilified her for it. Because I’d been jealous. Because it hadn’t beenme.
But if everything she’d said was the truth that night…did that mean she’d been a virgin when we’d had sex?
It didn’t make any sense.
Yet I closed my eyes, knowing I’d left swiftly in the aftermath of that night. I hadn’t been gentle, I’d been taking out my frustration on her, using my body like a weapon. And then I’d avoided her for days…only for her to then hear my words to Lydrasa, telling her that the sex had been merely “fine.” She’d heard Lydrasa’s delighted laugh over that detail.
“I think I really fucked this, Thaine,” I said quietly, my gut roiling. “I really fucked this up. From the very beginning.”
“Then fix it,” my brother said simply.
“If only it was that easy,” I said. “There’s too much to make amends for, especially when she loves someone else.”
“Did you ever ask her about him? About her relationship with him?” he asked.
Discomfort wiggled in my chest. “No,” I admitted.
“Then you know nothing at all. Get your head on straight,” Thaine told me. “Because if you go after her, you need to decide what she will be to you. Just your mistress? Or everything?”
