“It’s both—me and him. I don’t trust myself because I’ve been so wrong about him before. But I’m also afraid. I’m afraid togive into that love because if I do and he breaks my heart again, it will shatter me completely. Into trillions of little pieces with no hope of piecing myself back together this time.”
Understanding dawned on her face.
“I know what Iwantto do,” I added. “I want to just…sink into him. I feel so shackled by this fear, and I just want to be free of it. I want to be free to love him.”
“There’s no stopping you from doing that.”
“It’s this barrier I keep encountering. In me,” I admitted. “And I don’t know how to get over it. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been so happy that it feels strange. So it breaks my heart a little because I know hefeelsthis wall I’m still keeping between us. It hurts him too, but he’s been so patient. And even with the baby,gods, he’ll make an incredible father, and that alone just makes me want to—to launch myself at him and never let go.”
I was crying again. I didn’t realize it until Syndras reached forward to wipe the tears away from my cheeks. I cried so often these days, wild emotion pumping through me like a factory.Yesterday I’d cried over how perfectly a pattern had been stitched onto the shirt I’d been wearing, much to Kaldur’s bewildered concern.
“Breathe,” Syndras told me, her voice calm, the stable rock I desperately needed right now. “And, in my opinion, it’s perfectly normal to feel this way, Erina.”
“You think so?” I asked, relieved.
“Naturally,” she said. “You didn’t tell me everything about what happened between you two, and I don’t want you to. Some things are between couples, and no one else should know. But you told me enough for me to fill in the gaps. He hurt you. He broke your heart. He was your first love, and that one always hurts the most. He wasn’t gentle about it, was he?”
I swallowed. I shook my head.
“Of course it’s natural for you to have doubts. He made a mistake. A terrible mistake. And you can spend your life punishing him for what he did,” Syndras said. “A broken heart can become a terrible weapon if you’re not careful, after all.”
Hearing those words made my heart twist. Because I didn’t want that.
“Or…you can make the hard choice to forgive him andchooseto build a life with him. But in making that decision, you will need to promise to let the past go. You need to cleanse yourself of it. Him too, because I’m sure he’s been punishing himself.”
He had been. At first I’d thought that seeing his regret and guilt would make me feel better, that it would heal the part of me that felt broken.
In the end, however, it had just made me feel worse.
“He told me he loved me a few nights ago,” I confessed.
“Do you believe him?”
“Yes,” I said. “But even still, there’s this tiny voice in my head that sows doubt. How can I trust that he loves me? How can I trust that what he feels is formeand not because of our blood bond or because of the baby?”
“You can’t ever know for certain,” Syndras said simply, shrugging. “That’s where faith comes in. You can choose to have faith, or you can always be uncertain in wonder. I, for one, know which one I’d choose.”
Her eyes strayed to the painting over the lit hearth. It was snowing outside, a cold and dark afternoon, but it was cozy and warm in her sitting room. It was my favorite place in this House. Even when I’d worked for Syndras, we would spend time in here together.
“My Axia reminds me of your Kaldur,” Syndras said. Her eyes roved over the painting of the handsome Kylorr male. Her husband, who’d long passed. His soul gem was enshrined in Vyaan, and every moon winds, Syndras still visited with him. “He was stubborn and high-handed. Oh so charming. You should have seen him at parties. He had everyone there enveloped within his wings. The most handsome male in the room. It was so hard staying mad at him. Butgods, he made me so mad sometimes.”
I smiled, my nose stinging a bit at the raw emotion Istillheard in her voice. To love someone for so long, even when they drove you mad, it must’ve been a soul-binding love.
“There were times in our relationship where I wanted to leave,” she said. “Times where he was struggling or I was too cynical. But you know when I fell even more in love with him? When Ichosehim and he chose me. Over everything. It would’ve been easier to walk away, but we fought for our love and it grew even stronger.”
I hadn’t known that, but I supposed in her long marriage, they would’ve struggled.
“I do still love him terribly. Even in the next realm, when we meet one another again, we’ll still give each other hell. And I’ll be happy.”
I started to tear up again. “You’ve lived a full life, Syndras.”
“Don’t act like I’m on my death bed yet,” she grumbled,though she patted my hand. “My Axia will have to wait at least two decades more before I join him in Alara.”
I bit back my watery smile, thinking over her words.
“Forgiveness is hard,” Syndras said. “But luckily for theKyzaire, you are more forgiving than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s not a weakness; it’s a strength. It means you have an open heart. It would be a shame to close it because of fear.”
After Braanelle ledme back to the keep that night and saw me safely inside, I was still thinking over Syndras’s words.
