He thought I was talking about his roughness, his intensity during sex tonight and I saw a flash ofshamecross his features. But since I was a coward, I didn’t correct his assumption.
“Very well,” he said, inclining his head. His eyes were still flickering between mine. He knew something was wrong…but he couldn’t figure it out. “We will discuss it more in the morning.”
I nodded, though I had no intention to.
“Let us sleep,” he murmured. Then he glanced down. “Or would you prefer to bathe first?”
“Actually,” I said, stepping around him, “I want to check on Lokkaru. To make sure she’s okay after the commotion earlier.”
Davik frowned.
I wiped up his seed still trailing down my thigh with my torn, discarded trews, knowing I would need another pair. But for now, I merely shoved my feet in my boots and grabbed Davik’s fur cloak, knowing it would cover me all the way down to my ankles.
“You sleep,” I told him. “I’ll be right back.”
His jaw was tight and he followed me outside when I stepped from thevoliki. The encampment was quieter than it’d been before the Ghertun butdarukkarswere still milling around. It seemed as if Davik had posted more nightly patrols but still, as I made my way towards Lokkaru’svoliki, I felt his eyes on me the entire way.
The knowledge gave me a lump in my throat but I swallowed it down. When I reached Lokkaru’s home, there was only a small glow flickering from underneath the entrance flap. I ducked my head inside, only to find the older Dakkari female sleeping in her bed.
I stepped inside and breathed in the sweet scent ofkuveri. I thought I would be sick of it by now, since we’d made dozens and dozens of blue candles with the berry, but it was comforting. Familiar.
It was warm inside thevolikiso I briefly shrugged out of Davik’s furs, my tunic hanging just above my knees. My gaze trailed down to my wrist, my lips pressing together when I saw more veins had blackened and were continuing to trail up my inner forearm. When I pressed my fingers into my flesh, I felt a throbbing ache. From experience, I knew it would turn into burning, shooting, teeth-gritting pain.
Once, I’d displeased mysibiunder the Dead Mountain. I’d stayed out late on an errand. I’d been trying to sneak into the mines because I knew that sometimes my brother, Eli, worked there. I’d desperately wanted to see him. I’d returned, however, disappointed, only to realize that I’d forgotten the food mysibihad sent me out to get.
They didn’t hit me. They didn’t yell at me. They didn’t withhold my meager rations. Instead, they’d done something far more cruel.
They’d withheld my dose ofvovic.Slaves usually received one every two or three weeks, days that I used to count in my mind silently, anxiously. Though we could survive without a dose for a month, the pain by the end of that month was usually too debilitating. Mysibiknew that. They’d kept me in withdrawal for three days. Useless to them, spread on the floor where I slept, sweating, my bones feeling like they would break, the blood in my veins burning like it was on fire.
The pain had been so severe I hadn’t been able to call upon my gift. I had never felt more helpless.
I’d beensograteful to them when they finally gave me my dose. I’d worked extra hard to please them in the following weeks, the knowledge of which made me sick to think about now. Because I was a coward. I was a spineless coward.
I was staring, unseeing, inside Lokkaru’svoliki. My vision was wavering, watering, and I dashed away the tears that ran down my cheeks, angry. I wasangry.
I was angry with Davik, for trying to give me everything I wanted but could never have. I was angry at him for not finding me a year earlier, before I’d ever taken that first dose ofvovicbetween my lips. I was angry at him for using that body on me, because now I would come to crave it, miss it. I was angry at him for showing me he wasn’t the cruel monster I’d believed him to be that first night inDothikbecause I’d already begun to fall in love with him.
I was angry that my father had died. I was angry that my beautiful, beautiful sister was abused and raped by hersibialmost weekly. I was angry that the few Ghertun underneath the Dead Mountain who would look at me in shame and apology whenever I crossed their paths had done nothing to help us. I was angry that I was too weak and too cowardlytohelp us.
My breath came hard and quick. I was staring at Lokkaru, who held my future in the fractured, glittering remnants of her mind. I needed to breach it, to find the lost heartstone.
Without that heartstone, I had no power.
Lozza had promised me freedom and safety—a life free fromvovic—when he’d sent me from the Dead Mountain. I’d entered his mind as he promised me that. And while I couldn’t read thoughts, I could read emotions. Lozza had been amused. There had been deceit in his mind, naturally, but whether it was a lie about a possible antidote, or a lie about releasing my family and me…I didn’t know.
The only way forward was to have hope that therewasan antidote. When I returned to the Dead Mountain with the heartstone, I would use my gift on Lozza, in front of all of his council, in front of his wives and children, in his darkened hall. I would force him to give me the antidote, the antidote that would free us fromvovic’s clutches forever.
His council, his family, might think it was strange that he would give it over to me, a lowly slave. But it wouldn’t be as suspicious as if I had forced him to give it to me at any other time. In their eyes, we would be settling an agreement we’d made. I would hand him a heartstone as he handed me the antidote, after all.
No. Therewasan antidote. I had to believe that. Or we were as good as dead.
I could only rely on myself. No one else. Not even Davik, who’d promised me everything I’d wanted while taking my choices away.
With that thought in mind, I strode forward and crouched at Lokkaru’s side. If entering Davik’s mind multiple times gave me his memories then perhaps with Lokkaru it would be the same. I could harvest her memories and if I was lucky I would find the one I wanted. But it was better than doing nothing at all. It was my only chance.
I gathered my power in front of me, building it in the space between myself and the older Dakkari female. It came easily. So much more easily than it normally did, more evidence that it was growing stronger, more powerful.
Then I pressed forward…
