Chapter Twenty-One
By the time that they made camp that night, Crystal had counted over four dozentevvaxplants they passed on their travels that day. And every single time, she couldn’t help but remember the night before, a constant reminder.
Her other constant reminder was Cruxan’s quietness. Crystal hadn’t realized how much she liked his voice until she’d barely heard it all day. Tension was at an all time high between them. She could feel it in every step they took and while she figured it had something to do with that morning, Crystal still felt slightly confused about his demeanor that day. Was he angry at her?
The landscape hadn’t changed much throughout their journey, so when they made camp that night, it was next to another agave tree, though it wasn’t an enclosed space like the previous night. They were out in the open, wedged up against the side of a black, jagged boulder.
“I’ll help you get the gourds,” Crystal murmured quietly when Cruxan settled on the spot.
He only nodded.
A short while later, they returned to camp with three gourds each. Cruxan had also managed to catch their dinner for the night which he’d calledvirvirayesterday. They reminded her of rabbits…if rabbits had giant, sharp teeth and claws like a velociraptor.
He got a fire started in no time at all and once they placed the water gourds close to the flames to heat, Crystal couldn’t take the quietness anymore.
“Are you angry with me?” she asked softly, watching as he dragged a limpvirviraonto his lap, beginning to skin it.
His gaze flashed up to hers and Crystal felt her shoulders relax. His eyes weren’t angry. She recognized anger. She knew it well thanks to Leo.
“Nix, luxiva,” he said softly. “I am not.”
“You’ve been so quiet today,” she commented.
His gaze returned to thevirvira, but he didn’t reply.
She didn’t wait for one as she hesitantly asked, “Is it because of this morning?”
She didn’t want to bring it up, but all day, she’d felt a little sick about the way she’d dismissed his words so easily. There had been raw emotion in his voice that morning and she’d pulled away…just like she always did.
To keep herself safe? Yes. So why did she feel so miserable about it?
His hand paused on his dagger. She didn’t carry it anymore. She’d given it back to him yesterday morning.
His words seemed measured and even as he said, “I do not know for certain. It might be many things, not just this morning.”
“What things?” she couldn’t help but ask.
A small exhale of air left him. He seemed to think for a long moment before he said quietly, “I am trying to make sense of what is between us…and what is not. I am trying to understand you, to understand myself. Because I feel like I am different with you and sometimes it makes me feel like a stranger to myself.”
Crystal’s lips parted before she swallowed hard. “You don’t think you’re yourself around me?”
She didn’t know how to take that knowledge but it made her…sad. She knew the way she was. Sometimes it pushed people away because of how reserved and guarded she could be.
And she didn’t understand herself either because she’d purposefully wanted to put distance between them…but the fact that she had succeeded made her want to cry.
Why am I like this?she thought.
Because of Leo?
No, she thought.Perhaps he planted the seed, but I was the one who watered it, who watched it sprout, who let it grow out of control until it consumed me.
It had been five years since Leo.Five years. His influence and the memory of their dark relationship might always be with her but she didn’t have to let it consume her.
“Iamdifferent,” he said. “But I am different just for having found you. I cannot ever be the same.”
Her heart stuttered in her chest.
“Do you wish it was different?” she couldn’t help but ask softly.
