The question was so unexpected, so surprising, that the piece of bark slipped from her fingers before she fumbled to recover it.
“I...” she trailed off, not knowing, at first, how to respond. But the only thing she could think to say was, “I want to be happy. Doesn’t everyone?”
“Happiness is an emotion,” he said. “Just like anger, lust, sadness, loneliness. It comes and it goes. It is not a constant state.”
Something about the way he said those words tugged at her. Because something told her that he felt all those things…a lot. Perhaps all at the same time.
“What do you want then?” she asked instead. “If not to be happy?”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “Two spans ago, I would have told you that I only wanted to serve my planet. That I only wanted a good drink of Luxirian Brew at the end of a long, satisfying span.” He shot her a sheepish look. “And perhaps a female in my furs, I cannot lie about that. I am a simple male.”
His admission both amused her and made her chest squeeze with jealousy again. Still, she couldn’t fault him for being honest.
But…a couple days ago, he had mether. That was what he was trying to say.
“And now?” she asked quietly, not sure if she wanted to hear, but needing to at the same time. Her emotions had been so contradictory lately, always fighting against her, ever since she’d met Cruxan.
He went quiet for a little while and Crystal waited with bated breath. He could probably hear her heartbeat gently thudding in her chest, an idea that she found surprisingly intimate.
“I have always known that if I found my fated mate,” he began quietly, “that I would cherish her. Completely.”
Her belly quivered at those words and she swallowed the thick lump in her throat.
“But truthfully, I never believed that the Fates would gift me such a female.”
“Why?” she couldn’t help but ask. She may not understand the Luxirian’s religion well, but she knew that the Fates were their deities.
“Past mistakes,” he murmured. “My line’s mistakes. I do not come from a noble line like Vaxa’an does.”
Her brow furrowed, not sure she understood what his lineage had to do with the Fates. But she found that she lapped up the information, absorbing it like a sponge. She realized she knew next to nothing about him, though they’d been traveling together for two full days now. He hardly spoke of himself, wanting to hear her speak instead.
“It does not matter,” he continued quickly, shaking his head. “They have gifted me you and I feel that my life has shifted because of it. I want things I never imagined before.”
“Cruxan,” she said softly, an uncomfortable sensation lodging itself in her chest. “You know I’ll be leaving. When they find the missing crystal. I can’t…”
She blew out a long breath, wondering why she felt so terrible saying it loud.
“I can’t give you what you want,” she finally said.
Cruxan met her gaze and she saw it all in his eyes. All the emotions he had spoken of early, all bundled into one expression that tore at her chest.
“I know, female,” he said simply.
An apology was on the tip of her tongue, but she stopped herself. She had nothing to apologize for and he’d told her to stop apologizing for things that couldn’t be helped. She hadn’t asked for this. She hadn’t asked for any of this.
But it was him who had to suffer because of it. What she knew of the Luxirian Instinct was that it was a physically force, a need inside them. What would happen if that need was never satisfied?
Instead of apologizing, she said quietly, “I’ve always wanted a nice little house on a patch of land, somewhere in the country, but close enough to my sister. I want a small, bright studio where I can do my illustrations in the early mornings. I want a dog or a cat, or maybe both, because I’ve always loved animals. I don’t need many friends, but I’d like a few good ones. And at night, I want to cook a good meal and have a fire going in the fireplace so I can hear it crackling. When I go to sleep, I want to know that I’m satisfied with my day.” She didn’t know why saying these things out loud made her want to cry. “That’s the life I want.”
The way Cruxan was looking at her only made her want to cry more. He was looking at her like she’d just broken his heart and she didn’t know why.
“You make no mention of family. Of companionship. Of sex and touch,” he said, his tone morose. “Do you not believe these things are necessary for a fulfilling life?”
Tears welled and she looked back down to the third hole she’d made in the ground. She could see the top of another water gourd peeking up at her.
“What about romantic love?” she challenged, meeting his eyes again. “You don’t make mention of that, but many people would think that’s necessary for a fulfilling life.”
“I would not know,” he admitted.
