This time was much worse.
Hewas getting worse.
Nate shook his head, trying to clear that thought, but it stuck like glue against the images of the sobbing mother, the bleeding braves, the children . . . The children. All he wanted was to squeeze his eyes shut and force them back into the dark, but they wouldn’t go and he couldn’t close his eyes.
The memories were going to kill him.
The movement came again, closer this time, and shaking the entire large bush that sat near the trail. Next to him, Hill stiffened, his pistol aimed. The men off to the side stepped their horses closer.
And Nate sat, unmoving and stuck in the past as he watched the present play out before him.
There was a growl and a huff, and the branches of the bush snapped as someone emerged.
Notsomeone, but something.
A bear.
Next to him, one of the other men let out a string of curse words and raised his pistol.
“Don’t shoot,” Hill commanded. “If you miss, you’ll anger it. Let’s back away. See if it stays put.”
Nate sat, stiff and unmoving on his horse, his fingers still curled around the pistol’s grip. Hill shuffled backward on his horse, and behind him, Nate could hear the other men retreating too.
“Harper!” Hill’s sharp tone finally pulled Nate from his statue-like state. “Let’s go.”
Feeling as if he hadn’t moved in a month, Nate nodded slowly. He forced his hand back to the reins, flexing stiff fingers, and nudged the horse around.
The bear stayed where it was, its attention half on the men and half on the berries it had found growing in the bush.
“Easy does it,” Hill said as they went.
Not until they were in the clear did Nate feel as if he could breathe again. The memories had subsided, but he still felt them, ghostly and menacing, threatening his very existence.
They’d nearly gotten him killed.
“You all right?” Hill asked as they rode along the trail that led back to town.
Nate nodded, not trusting himself with words.
Hill seemed to accept that, but the truth was, Nate wasn’t all right. He was a broken, useless,cowardlymess.
What would have happened if Ruthann had been with him? What if they had children? What if thathadn’tbeen a bear, and instead was an outlaw with nothing to lose? Nate’s inability to act had put everyone in danger, not just himself.
As the first light of day appeared on the horizon and they crested the last hill above town, Nate knew for certain what he’d feared all along.
He couldn’t be a husband. He certainly couldn’t be a father. He couldn’t protect himself, much less anyone else.
Much less a family.
From the start, he’d told himself that no matter his feelings, Ruthann deserved someone better than him. Someone who didn’t fight every day to keep memories from consuming him.
And definitely not a man who couldn’t even pull a gun. Not a man who could hardly focus on the moment because the past was too present in his mind.
Perhaps he was the coward that man had said he was, no matter what Nate had told himself.
A deep, lonely sadness enveloped him as he determined what he needed to do next. He’d do what he’d promised from the start, and he’d set Ruthann free. She might be broken-hearted, but at least she’d be safe. And if it hadn’t been long enough to repair his reputation from Miss Flagler’s campaign for marriage, then so be it. Her life was far more important than his business or his standing in town.
When he returned home, he’d insist upon an annulment.
