“You have tobe there for him,” she hissed. “The way our parents weren’t, but should’ve been. Not by setting up a college fund. Not by sending child support checks every month. Being there, in his life, every day until you die.”
I rubbed at my chest as pain began to splinter through me. Wetness dripped onto my hand, and I looked down in confusion. It took me a second to realize I was crying.
The moment I realized, that box around my heart shattered. Agony erupted through me. I doubled over, shuddering, as decades of repressed feelings cut a burning hole in my chest. I couldn’t stop it, even though I tried. My mind lashed out, desperate, and I tried to stop the tears, to stop the shaking, to regain control over my body. But it was no use. It was too much, too intense, and I had nochoice but to let go. Erica’s arms came around me, and she held me through the storm.
When it was over, exhaustion made my limbs feel heavy. I blinked and looked up to see Lila hovering at the edge of the room. Without thinking, I opened my arms. She rushed over and hugged me as tight as her little arms would hold. I clutched her just as hard, and my sister held us both.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said to Lila, voice muffled in her hair.
“You didn’t,” she replied, pulling away. She smiled at me. “Everyone gets sad sometimes. But then it goes away.”
I huffed, nodding. “That’s true.”
The groceries I requested got dropped off. We had dinner. My sister gave me a little half smile and a shake of her head, then patted my shoulder and thanked me. I could read her thoughts. She was thinking,See? Told you you were good.
And maybe…maybe there were parts of me thatweregood. Maybe my love wasn’t entirely toxic. Icouldcare for people without them running away. Without them dying.
But, I realized as I drove away from my childhood home, I had to let go of control. I would’ve felt better if my sister stayed at my place, where I could watch over her and Lila until I was absolutely sure that the cancer wouldn’t come back. Butshewas happier in her own home. Of course she was. It was her home.
And Deena was happier when she was working. When she was using her mind and chasing new clients. When she was building something. When she was being her brilliant, beautiful self.
And I’d tried to take that away from her.
THIRTY-EIGHT
DEENA
In the firstweek of September, I got a photo message from my brother. Riley and Corey smiled at me from the screen, their thumbs hooked into their backpacks as they posed in front of their home. The first day of school.
My baby kicked me so hard I jumped, and the laptop that had been resting on my thighs went tumbling to the ground. I swore, then laughed, then rubbed the spot he’d kicked.
“Guess you’re trying to tell me something, huh,” I said, and grabbed my phone again. Before I could second-guess my actions, my brother picked up my call. “Hope I’m not bothering you,” I said. “Great picture.”
“They just got on the bus,” my brother said, and I could hear the pride in his voice. “People don’t lie about it, you know. They really do grow up quick.”
My throat tightened, and I smoothed my hand over my belly. I still hadn’t told him or anyone else about the baby.
“How are things with you?”
“I’m…okay,” I said. I was going to leave it there, but I remembered how mad Brooks had gotten when I’d snapped at him for asking about my business. He’d been so mad that I’d shut him down. What would happen if I assumed the best of him?
The truth was, I was sick of being alone. I was scared of the future, of all the changes that were about to happen.
I took a deep breath and took a tiny, terrifying step. I cracked the door open on my life and let Brooks see a sliver of the real me. “Work is kind of crazy. I picked up this huge client a couple of months ago—a company that does medical device sales—and things haven’t slowed down since. My revenue has doubled.”
“Holy crap!” Brooks exclaimed. “That’s amazing.”
Despite myself, a smile curled my lips. “Kind of, yeah,” I said.
“I know you probably won’t believe me, but I’ve always admired you, Deena.” I could hear a car door open and close, and then the quality of the sound changed. He’d just gotten into his vehicle. “You were always so driven, and it’s paid off. I don’t know anyone else who could have done what you did with your business and your life.”
“Brooks…”
“No, I mean it.”
I chewed the inside of my lip for a moment, my emotions rioting inside me. It felt so good to hear that from him, but a part of me didn’t believe him. He’d been right about that. Finally, I settled on saying the only thing I could: “Thank you.”
“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
