“What?” He’s not even remotely surprised, which is really fucking problematic. It’s like he expected it. Is everyone expecting it? How long have I been in the dark about my own fucking feelings?
“Timing has really been the thing,” he explains as we continue to pass the puck back and forth. “She’s graduating university in a few months. She’s always had her head on straight, minus the last couple of boyfriends. Bea has not been a fan.”
“None of us were.” I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. How is this even a casual conversation? It feels fucking monumental.
“Well, we know why you weren’t.”
“I wasn’t looking at her like she had girlfriend potential until recently,” I say defensively. He still doesn’t know about her propositioning me.
“There’s been a vibe. It was particularly strong on New Year’s,” Tristan says.
I had convinced myself I could be close to her and not do anything stupid on New Year’s. Maybe if Quinn hadn’t been flirty with her, I would have had half a chance. Maybe if she hadn’t worn a thong bikini in the hot tub. Maybe if I hadn’t ended up in the closet with her. Yeah, I was fucked regardless. “She’s going through it, you know?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Tristan’s mom bailed when we were twelve, and he helped raise his younger brothers, so he speaks from experience.
“You worried about how Vander Zee will handle it, especially with everything else going on?” he asks.
We both glance at Coach. He’s been on edge, and he looks exhausted most of the time. Ending a twenty-five-year marriage is probably the same as mourning.
“Yeah. And Hemi.” What happens if Tally and I end up together long-term? What if I fall in love with her and she can’t deal with the intensity of my life and leaves?Why am I spiraling now?
“She’ll have feelings about it, but you’re coming to her before the shitstorm, so that should count for something,” Tristan reassures me.
“That’s what I’m hoping.” If Vander Zee trades me or murders me, I’m setting Tally up to be hurt all over again. And I really don’t want that.
Coach Forrest-Hammer blows the whistle and calls us in. She’s been stepping up more lately. I don’t know if Vander Zee is pushing her, or if she’s taking the pressure off him.
After practice, I shower and change, then head up to Vander Zee’s office. The sooner I rip the bandage off, the better. My palms are damp, my heart is racing, and I feel like vomiting isn’t out of the question as I prepare to knock on his office door. The conversation I’m about to have will change everything. But not following through isn’t an option. My teammates can shun me, and my coach can rip me a new one, but I won’t let either stop me. It would hurt too much to walk away.
Once again, I wish I’d done things differently after Fiona and I ended, that I hadn’t let her shake my faith in my ability to find and keep love. But I can’t go back and change the past, so all I can do is hope I’ve done enough work to prove I’m more than my previous decisions. I knock on Vander Zee’s door.
“Come on in.” He takes off his glasses and motions to the chair across from his desk. “What can I do for you, Madden?”
I close the door most of the way and drop into the chair. “I have something important I want to discuss with you.” I run my sweaty palms down my thighs. I hope I survive this.
Vander Zee gives me his full attention. He has circles under his eyes, and he seems to have aged five years since the holidays. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Everything’s good.” I rap on the armrest, then grip them so I stop fidgeting. “You know me well, Coach, and you’ve seen me grow a lot over the past few years, personally and professionally.”
“You’re an excellent player. One of the best on the team, and a lead scorer in the league,” he agrees, then sits up straighter. “Please tell me another team isn’t trying to poach you.”
I hold up a hand. “No. Nothing like that.”
“Right. Okay. Good. I have enough shit to deal with.” He runs a rough hand through his hair. “I can’t lose one of my best players, too.”
I swallow past my anxiety. He might feel differently about that in a minute. “Tally’s been spending a lot of time with us lately.”
“I’m glad she has you and the Terror girls to look out for her. She needs people she can lean on,” he says. “I know what’s going on with me and her mother has been hard on her.” He clears his throat. “She mentioned that you drove her home last night. Did she say anything? Should I be worried?”
“She’s okay. It’s tough when you have an idea of what your parents’ relationship is like, and then suddenly everything changes.” I shift in my seat. “I, uh…I took her out for dinner.”
His brow lifts. “Last night?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Oh. I didn’t realize. Thanks for doing that. I felt like an asshole for bailing on her. She proved her point about me putting my job before my family.” Vander Zee sighs.
