Her fingers move to her lips, and her tone shifts, bordering on desperate as she steps closer, tipping her head up, eyes wide and imploring. “Please, Flip.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat, hating that for a moment I allowed myself to see her as something she can never be. “Your first time should be with someone you trust?—”
Before I can continue, she makes a fresh slice on my already scarred heart. “I do trust you. No one would have to know. It could be our secret,” she says. “It probably has to be because of my dad, and our friends, and I wouldn’t want to make it weird. But I know you. I’d be safe with you. And you can even teach me—whatever tricks you think I should know so I can make you feel good, too.”
If ever there was a time I wanted to erase my past, it’s now. The damage my ex, Fiona, did turned me into something I never wanted to be. But here I am. That Tally views me this way is just…devastating. It’s one thing for her to want this from me because I mean something to her, because she cares about me and she knows I care about her, too. But to ask because of my extensive history as a fuckboy… It hurts in ways I didn’t anticipate.
Maybe because I knew she had a crush and I thought it had progressed beyond the infatuation.
Tallulah Vander Zee is the dream I’ve never dared to let myself have.
My voice is thick and guttural, but my tone is firm, with no room for argument. “Your first time should be with some who loves you, and who you love back, Tally. And I can’t be that guy.” I’ve spent the last decade hiding from love, fearing what could happen if I let someone in again. Tally deserves someone who isn’t jaded and broken.
Her shoulders slump, and her eyes dart away for a moment. When they return to mine, they’re full of frustration, defiance, and the same hurt I feel. It’s like someone reached inside my chest and punctured my heart with a hundred poison-tipped knives. “Please, Flip. It’s just this one favor I need help with.”
I recoil, and then strike back. “You’re not asking me to hang a picture.” My teeth grind together. “You only get to have this experience once, withoneperson, and they can never give it back to you. It’s supposed to be special.”
“But we’ve known each other for years.” Her voice wavers, another stab to my heart. “You would make it special.”
I shake my head, desperate to erase the forbidden images trying to form in my mind. In another world, where I wasn’t such a mess of a human, I would be so good to her. But it would change everything, ruin our friendship in ways she doesn’t understand. Our friends would be appalled. I would never forgive myself. “I can’t.”I care about you. I can’t take something special that I haven’t earned.
How awful would I feel when she realized down the line that she’d given a precious part of herself to someone who for years had drowned in pleasure to avoid connection? Even if I couldgive her what she needs, it would be a huge emotional step backwards for me. “You’re… I can’t do that.”
Her eyes fill with tears, and her chin wobbles. “Anyone but me, right?”
My mouth falls open. That’s a jagged, raw wound I won’t recover from.
She skirts around me and rushes down the hall.
I want to go after her, to tell her she deserves better. I could explain that I can’t give her what she wants without losing a part of myself, but nothing I say will soften that blow. And she has no idea she’s ripped open a never-healed wound.
I stand in the hallway for a long time, letting the self-loathing seep in. I deserve to feel this shitty. I’ve hurt people I care about with my past behavior, so this is retribution. I spent my twenties avoiding anything with depth, and I won’t go back down that road. Not for anyone, and especially not for my coach’s fucking daughter, who I care deeply about. Maybe more than I realized based on the ache in my chest.
When I finally return to the living room, Tally is gone. Dred Grace, who knows me best in this crowd, gives me a questioning look as I sink into the couch. I feel awful for so many reasons. Especially when Hammer mentions how stressed Tally seemed before she left.
I search for the winter showcase at Tilton U. I might not be able to give Tally what she wants, but I can still show her that I care. “Who needs a ticket for Tally’s performance?”
“We have ours.” Hemi motions to the girls.
“You guys in?” I ask my teammates.
All the guys agree, so I secure our tickets.
Eventually everyone starts to disperse, and I follow my friends to the door.
“You okay?” my sister, Rix, asks as she pulls me in for a hug. “You seem preoccupied.”
“Yeah. All good. Just thinking about practice.” It’s notuntrue. I keep thinking about how dead I’d be if I’d said yes to Tally’s request and Coach Vander Zee found out.
Dred, Connor, and I file into the hall and pile into the elevator. I live in the building down the street, while Dred and Connor live in a mansion his Meems owns on the edge of the city. They got married last fall.
“Up for a game of Battleship?” Dred asks as we make our descent.
It’s what we play when one of us needs to talk something out.
I glance between her and Connor. “Do you have time for that?”
She turns to Connor. “You’re okay to pick up Everly and Victor?”
