I feel the emptiness everywhere. He grabs tissues from the nightstand and gently wipes between my thighs. I roll onto my back as the code is punched into the door.
He quickly tucks himself into his pants and fastens them. “I’ll go down, take a minute to catch your breath.”
He kisses me on the cheek and leaves me lying on my childhood bed, that emptiness spreading through me. I wanted this to bring us closer, but it feels like it’s cleaved us in two instead.
CHAPTER 52
TALLY
It was a close call with my parents. Phillip made it to the kitchen before they walked through the door, but we didn’t set the table for dessert and I needed a minute to collect myself before I came downstairs. I brought my high school photo albums, and hoped it was a good enough decoy.
Mom and Dad seemed a little preoccupied, though, so if they noticed the vibe between me and Phillip, no one mentioned it.
My exams start in two days, so I should have Phillip drive me back to my apartment after dinner, but he leaves tomorrow morning for an away series, so I want to sleep next to him tonight.
“Are you okay?” Phillip asks on the way back to his place.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “The whole night was…awkward?”
“Should I have handled things differently?” Anxiety seeps into his tone. “Was it the sex?”
“The sex was part of it. I wanted it, but it felt like it happened and we weren’t really there.” I wring my hands. “I wanted to feel closer to you, but I didn’t.” I don’t want him to leave on an away series with a chasm between us.
“There’s a lot going on. With us, with your parents, with school and dance.” He covers my hand with his.
“I know.” I want things to be stable, but I don’t know how to achieve that.
We arrive at his place and take the elevator to his apartment. It’s not even ten, but I’m exhausted, and his flight leaves early tomorrow morning, so we get ready for bed. At least there’s comfort in the domestic routine.
He gives me privacy so I can use the bathroom on my own. My favorite tumbler sits on the nightstand on my side, and Phillip is perched on the edge of the mattress, shirtless, wearing his typical pajama pants. He reaches for me and I slip my hand in his, letting him pull me between his thighs.
“I want us to be okay,” he says softly.
“I want the same thing.” I settle my hands on his shoulders, seeking comfort in the contact. This feels like the most natural part of the entire day. I wrap my arms around him and tuck my face against his neck. For a minute we just breathe.
“I’m terrified of losing you,” he admits.
“Same,” I whisper. “I just need you to keep being honest with me, even when it’s hard. Especially then.”
“I know. I’m working on getting better at it. I’m sorry I’ve made things so difficult for us.”
“You’re trying and that’s what matters.” I want to be able to tell him how I really feel about him, but I need it to be because we’re in a good place and not desperate to connect.
We climb into bed and he tucks me against him. I want the physical closeness to be enough, but the emotional distance is an uncrossable bridge, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I wake alone the next morning. Phillip had an early flight, so it shouldn’t be a surprise, but I sort of hoped he would wake me up and say goodbye.
I roll over, my chest already tight with his absence. I rub it, hoping to ease the ache, then glance at the nightstand. Sittingnext to my phone is a flower made out of pipe cleaner and a note.
Tally,
I miss you already.
I’ll message you when I’m on the ground and settled in the hotel.
Xo
Yours,
