“Really? How can you say you’ve let me into your heart when this is the first time you’ve said her name and I’m just learning what she was to you?”
“I’ve told you about her,” I admit.
“This is the high school girlfriend?” Her eyes flare and she rolls her shoulders back. “The one who broke your heart? You gave me pieces, Phillip, not the whole. She wasn’t just a long-term girlfriend. You committed yourself to her. You planned to spend your life with her. To be blindsided like this… You had so many opportunities to tell me yourself, so why didn’t you?”
“I was protecting you,” I explain. “I wanted to tell you when the time was right.”
“When was that going to be?”
I give her the answer I’ve been giving myself this wholetime, and Dred. “You already had so much going on. Dating me was already a stressor for you. I didn’t want to add to it.”
“And you think somehow this situation isn’t stressful?” She dashes away more tears. “Are you sure you were protecting me and not yourself?”
I run an anxious hand through my hair. “I don’t want you to leave me.”
“And you think I would because you were married at one point?” she presses.
“Your parents are in the middle of a divorce.” I don’t want her to question my ability to stick it out.
“I know. I’m living through it.” She threads her hand through her curls and tips her head up, eyes on the ceiling. “My parents’ relationship ended because my dad didn’t show up for Mom or our family. He always put us second, but my mother didn’t tell him their relationship was broken and needed to be fixed. And maybe my dad should have seen the writing on the wall, but my mom just kept saying everything was fine.” Her eyes meet mine, her bottom lip trembling. “You show up, every time, but you do the same thing with me that my mom did with my dad.”
“That’s not—” I shake my head, not wanting her to draw those kinds of parallels.
“But you do. You’ve always got it, everything is always great, or good, or you have it handled, but clearly that’s not true if we’re having this conversation.” She takes a steadying breath. “You can’t use the excuse that you’re protecting me so you don’t have to talk to me about the things that hurt you. I don’t need you to rescue me all the time. And I don’t need you to be the perfect boyfriend.”
“I’m far from perfect, Tally. I’m trying to make up for the shit being with me puts you through?—”
“—By keeping parts of yourself from me.” She shakes her head and wipes away another tear. “I will not repeat history. I can’t be in a relationship where we’re protecting each other, butwe don’t communicate out of fear. I want to be your best friend and your lover. I want to be the person you confide in. You want to be my rock, you want me to share all my worries and fears, but you won’t do the same. Whatreallykept you from telling the truth?”
I lace my fingers behind my neck and hang my head. My throat is tight, my chest the same.
Tally moves into my personal space and settles a shaking hand on my chest. “I have given myself to you completely. You have all of me. You can’t just give me the pieces you want and think it will be enough. Why didn’t you tell me you were married?”
“She didn’t want me,” I grind out.
“What part of you didn’t she want?” Tally whispers.
“This.” I motion to myself. “Me. She didn’t want me. She wanted a lifestyle. I fucking loved her. I handed over my heart and she acted like she was doing the same, and then she took it all back,” I choke out.
“How? What happened?” Tally’s voice is gentle, but unsteady.
“Fuck.” I grit my teeth. Shake my head. My stomach is twisted up, my mouth dry. “You won’t want me either.” And that’s what this is really about. Revealing this part of me threatens everything, but if I can’t be honest, I’ll lose her anyway.
She takes my face in her hands. “I have seen every side of you, Phillip Madden, the good, the bad, and the broken, and that has never stopped me from wanting you. Please let me in. Please have faith in my ability to handle your truth.”
There isn’t another choice, so I nod. Tally takes my hand and guides me to the couch. She doesn’t let go once we’re seated, and I’m grateful for the contact.
“This is really hard for me to talk about, Talls. With anyone.”
“I know. But I need this from you.”
I scrub a hand over my face, choking on the memories I’ve been running from for years. “Where do you want me to start?”
“What happened to break your faith in love?”
“So many things.” I sigh. “We were accepted to different universities, so we broke up at the end of grade twelve. Between the distance and hockey, we knew it wouldn’t work. It hurt, but it made sense.”
She nods. “What brought you back together?”
