In a dress.
She’s in a white dress with little blue flowers. It fits her like a dream, molding her breasts in the neckline, the hem fluttering high against her thighs. Her legs are bare all the way to her cowboy boots—and she’s worn her hair down. It’s long and wavy. Lips pink with some kind of gloss. God help me, no artist would have a hope in hell of painting this kind of beauty accurately. The swell of hope in her eyes. Her naivete.
She is innocence personified.
What if I just carried her inside and made love to her? Made promises in her ear?
What if she believed them and I…lived up to whatever ridiculous expectation she has of me? What if?
You can’t think like that.
You were born to be alone.
You’re safe from pain and betrayal alone.
Don’t buy into the fantasy.
“I’m not coming to your little birthday party, Billie, just so we’re clear,” I say.
Her chest dips low and lifts just as quickly. “Yes, you will.”
Goddamn the nerve of this girl. I admire it, I’m drawn to it, but it’s the opposite of what I need right now to stay resolved. “No, I’m not.”
She blinks. “You can decide closer to the date.”
“I’m deciding now.” I snag her wrist and draw her into the house, slamming the door shut behind her, loathing myself for making her flinch. “And I don’t give a rat’s ass about being neighborly to your parents. What exactly is it about me that made you think otherwise?”
She looks up at me, searching my expression. “What m-made me think otherwise?”
I give her an impatient look. “That’s what I asked you.”
“But I don’t want to answer.”
“Too bad.”
A flicker of temper goes off in her blue eyes, but she douses it. Now, she just looks vulnerable. Nervous. Why? “Well…” She rolls her lips inward to wet them. “I thought maybe…you’d come meet my parents because you…”
“Because I what?”
“…because you like me,” she whispers, looking me in the eye. Bravely.
A fine time for my heart to pound of out of my fucking chest. Am I having some kind of panic attack? The room is spinning and the only thing keeping me grounded is denial. No. No, no, no. I can’t let this happen. I am not falling for this girl. Everyone I’ve ever loved has taken a pound of my flesh and I won’t let her do it, too.
“Because Ilikeyou?” I snarl.
“Uh-huh.” She ducks her head, briefly. “I likeyou.”
I’m dizzy. There’s a wedge in my throat with the sharpest of edges.
There’s a side of me that longs to kneel in front of Billie, wrap my arms around her and never let go, but that would be it. I’d spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can’t do it. I swore to myself that I would never trust another soul as long as I lived. Letting myself be with this girl would take all my trust.
“Youlikeme?” I scoff. “What is this, second grade?”
I hate how that embarrasses her, those cheeks smarting with pink. On account of my biting words. I am a snake. “Don’t be mean to me because you’re scared.”
Bullseye. “You’re here to get on your back and let me fuck you. That’s it.”
“Well, I think you’re a liar. You put up with me when I yell and throw boots. You ate my pie. You kiss me with your eyes closed all tight. I think you’re lying to yourself and me if you think there’s nothing between us but a deal.”
