“You said that I was manipulative.”
“I take it back. Because I see you differently now. You had to be strong and smart, you had to learn how to operate in a way that keeps you safe, but also advances your cause. You area warrior like me. A true warrior does not fear battle scars. A warrior understands that it is part of battle.”
“I never wanted to be in battle.”
“It doesn’t matter sometimes. In fact, it doesn’t matter most of the time. We are not asked what life we would like to live. We are given this life. We are given our fate. But we have to decide what to do with it. But we do not run from it.”
“And where do we start making choices?”
“We are making them. Now. Do you think you really have not been making choices all this time? You have been. The way that you learned to be, and the way that you acted, that was a choice. What you did with your time at the convent, that was a choice. The way that you used all that you had learned from your father to get me to grant you your eventual freedom. That was a choice. What we did last night. And what we are doing now.”
She looked down at her hands.
“We are stronger for what we’ve been through. Stronger for the battles that we have fought. Don’t you see?”
She took a shuddering breath. “Yes.”
“Now. Today, I think we should go out into the country.”
“The country?”
“Not just the country. Our country. I wish to speak to the people.”
“Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do.”
And as she got herself ready, she could only think about what he had said. When they were in the car that was carrying them toward the town square, she was still pondering it.
“Yes?”
“Nothing. I’m just thinking.” She looked out the window, at the view of the city. People going to work. Smiling. Laughing. All of those people had a particular set of circumstances that they were given. Fair and unfair.
And they were making what they could of those circumstances. In that sense, she could understand what he had been saying to her all this time. About choice being an illusion. No one had infinite choices. They had the circumstances they were given. People that they were responsible for.
Just as he was. Responsible for this entire country.
“You were thinking very loudly.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“You might as well tell me.”
“It’s silly. And in fact, I imagine that you think I’m a silly girl entirely. You’re right. What I wanted was to be normal. Or whatever I thought of as normal. I wanted to be able to leave my father’s house, and become somebody that I wasn’t raised to be. Become somebody who hadn’t lived the first eighteen years of her life cloistered in a palace, promised to marry a man that she didn’t care about. Someone who hadn’t been treated like she didn’t matter, even while she was surrounded by luxury. I wanted to live like I had sprung fully formed from the convent, and go on my merry way. But I can’t be separate from those experiences. I can’t be someone who didn’t have them. And you’re also right, that I can’t make…any choice that I want. I have a shared responsibility with you now. For these people.”
“I do not think you’re silly,” he said. “Most people want to be happy.”
“You don’t?”
“It’s not something I’ve ever considered. Whether or not I was happy.”
“That makes me even sillier. You realize that, right? I have been thinking to myself that we actually have quite a bit in common. That we both spent so much of our lives lonely, but I never had to worry about my survival. When I saw you sleeping on the floor like that, I realized…you never feel safe, do you?”
“That isn’t true. I am entirely able to defend myself, and that makes me feel safe. But no, sleeping deeply doesn’t entirely appeal to me.”
Their conversation was ended because their car parked against the curb at the town square, and they got out. “Is this what we’re doing? We’re just…”
Their security detail was with them. Soren first and foremost. And now she knew and understood that he was Ragnar’s lifelong, trusted friend. Even if he wouldn’t call him a friend. That was a very male thing. Quite literally spent seventeen years in the company of someone, and waged a literal war with him, but still not quite think of him as a friend.
“Let us speak to our people.”
