“Just keep this our little secret for now, okay? I’m not ready to say anything. Too fragile.”
Teddy leans against the doorframe and watches as I put gel in my hair.
“You deserve to be happy, Sid. You know that, right?”
I cannot believe Teddy is being so tender. I stare at him in the mirror.
“You deserve love,” he continues. “It’s yourtime.”
The way he says this fills my eyes with tears.
“Teddy,” I say, my voice breaking.
“Now I don’t have to be nice again until you’re ninety. By then, you won’t remember a word I’m saying anyway.”
He turns to leave again.
“Wait, Teddy. Can I ask you a question?”
“I’m basicallyJeopardy!,” he says. “I know everything. And I’ll answer in the form of a question, too, if you’d like.”
“Why would Leo want to go out with me?”
“Sid, don’t do that to yourself.”
“I’m serious. Why would a man likethatwant to be withme?”
I gesture to my reflection in the mirror. “I’m sorry, but as you just clearly saw, I am not what is considered the fantasy of any gay man today. I saw Leo working out. He’s in great shape. Imean, thirty-year-olds would jump his bones. Everything that is marketed to us today is the image of masculinity and the perfect body: six-packs, pecs, hairy, muscular. I am anything but. My body is in decline, closer to incontinence than sexual fantasy.”
“I thought that was just your cologne,” Teddy says. He lifts his hands. “Joking, joking.” Teddy leans against the doorframe again—as if he needs it for support.
“I know you haven’t been with many men in your life, Sid, and I know you are scared of being judged, but Leo likes you or he wouldn’t have asked you out. I’m guessing that he’s smart, successful and obviously could have any man, but he likesyou. So much of attraction, Sid, is not based on physical appearance but how someone makes us feel inside.” Teddy touches his heart. “Believe me, I’m not the hottest man to walk this earth. John was much more attractive than I ever was, and I had a lot of insecurity when we first started dating. In fact, I had it most of our relationship: I would get insanely jealous when other men would hit on him. But he loved me. He found me hot for some reason. And part of that was my confidence, my humor, my strength, my ability not to take any shit in life. You are so intelligent, kind, gentle, giving to our community. You are a wonderful father and grandfather. You wear your heart on your sleeve. And it’s all of that beauty that he’ll see when he undresses you, Sid.”
I am about to thank Teddy when he adds:
“Just keep the lights off.”
“I am not having sex with him!”
“Then I will! How much younger is he?”
“Google search says over two decades.”
“Can you send an AI version of yourself?” Teddy jokes. “Listen to me: Have sex, Sid. Havelotsof sex...while you still can. Push all those feelings of guilt, insecurity and unworthiness aside and simply enjoy the moment. Stay out of your big head so your little one can have a nice time. A good dinner, some good wine, a good roll in the hay.”
I open my arms and take a step toward Teddy.
“I refuse to hug you after what I just saw,” he says. “I’m worried it will rub off.”
“You know what Sophia always said? ‘After eighty, every year without a headstone is a milestone.’ And I’m eighty-one.”
Teddy chuckles.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask him, studying him closely again.
“Are you?” he counters.
“No,” we reply at that same time.
