A body that is taut, perfect, without an ounce of fat, or a body pocked by landmines left by a lifetime of war?
And yet I have survived. To be here. Right here. Right now. Have I made it to this point so that finally—for once—Icansee myself clearly?
The sunlight glimmers.
This same light, this same mountain that watches over us in the near distance will still be here long after I am gone. Shouldn’t I view myself—shouldn’t we all view ourselves—as eternally majestic?
“Sid?” Leo asks.
“Yes.”
“Come here.”
I roll over and face this majestic mountain of a man. He smiles and caresses my hair, my cheek, my lips, my chest.
Leo kisses me.
I shut my eyes.
This is the moment writers write about, lovers relish, thelonely dream of, this moment right here when two bodies become one, and nothing else exists beyond the sound of our heartbeats.
And when it is over... Oh! When it is over, the afterglow of being wanted, needed, desired is so overwhelming, I exist in a half state somewhere between alive and dead, this bed and heaven, this bedroom and that mountain, this earth and another realm.
Leo spoons me again, and the stunning simplicity of two becoming one overwhelms me. I have been lonely for so long.
“Don’t break my heart. I don’t think I can take it.”
I intend for these words to be said in silence, only to myself, but I let them come to life because I want this to be real for once. I want Leo to understand the magnitude of this moment to me.
Leo pulls me closer.
“I promise.”
We have kicked the sheets off the bed. There is nothing to hide. The sun has now risen over the mountain and is shining unobstructed through the bedroom sliders.
My instinct again is to pull the sheets over my body, run to the bathroom, dress quickly and escape.
“You’re not going anywhere,” he mumbles, as if he can read my mind. “You are perfect.”
Is this what it feels like to be seen for the first time in your life? Utterly, shockingly transparent and naked?
“You are beautiful,” he adds, as if he knows his words are as necessary as oxygen.
I am beautiful?
I push my face into the pillow to hide a happy tear.
I am beautiful.
“Blueberry pancakes okay?” Leo calls into the bathroom where I am taking a shower.
“Are you the perfect man?” I call back. “Or I am dating Dexter?”
“We’re dating now?”
Why did I say that?
“You’ll find out if I’m Dexter if you survive breakfast,” he says with a laugh. “I’m also going to cook some chicken sausage, and, oh, I made some lemon curd that pairs perfectly with the pancakes and maple syrup. I’m starving!”
