“Blair,” he pleads. “Youare impossibly pretty. And I know I never acted on it, but trust that I always wanted to. You are the only girl whose attention I wanted, before I even knew other girls existed. And even after discovering other girls did, and do in fact, exist,the same is true. It’s always been you for me.” His green eyes don’t so much as waver.It’s like he refuses to blink until I believe him.
I try my best to soak it in. To stare back into his eyes and accept that what I wanted my entire life was happening. But I rasp out a breathless laugh, shaking my head out of his grasp.[I definitely have this in common with Blair!]
“Now that we’re… dating, I don’t think you’re supposed to know that other girls exist.”[DEFLECTION TIME!!]
He pins me with a glare, playfully shoves my shoulder.
“You are impossible to compliment,” he says, exasperated.
“No, no. I’m sorry. You’re right. I am impossibly pretty,” I say.
He throws his head back with laughter.“Okay, but I’m serious,”[Declan carries being serious/sincere for them. LOL]he says, voice level. “You’ve seen me through every stage of life, and you never preferred me more or less based on how football was going. It sounds so stereotypical, but you saw the way people at school went from not paying attention to me at all, to gawking at me in the hallways after winning championships.If they said my name, it was because the word football was attached to it.[It’s destabilizing when your identity is wrapped up in something that can change. And for Declan it did. But Blair won’t!]I never liked that. I still found myself only caring about what you thought of me. And it wasnever the football you cared about. The way you spoke to me never changed.”
“Of course not, Declan. That stuff is awesome but it’s kind of irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. At least, inasmuch as it relates to my obsession with you,” I say not so ironically. “I’m proud of your accomplishments, don’t get me wrong.But you could do anything and I would find it impressive.[Even under-water basket weaving!]You know that.”
He smiles like the sentiment is still novel to him. Special and new.
And then without speaking, he starts to move toward me.[Oh, shoot!]I relax onto my back in the sand, and he crawls over me, boxing me in with his hands on either side of my face, his lean body hovering above mine, muscles in his shoulders straining with the effort. And then his face slowly morphs into a smile of pure wonder, lighting up his eyes. “I enjoy that answer very much.”
“Of course you would.” I heckle.
His shoulders bounce as he laughs above me. The moonlight illuminates his messy tousle of hair from behind and I take a turn giggling in disbelief as the improbability of this new reality settles between us. He goes quiet at the sound, like he needs to be still to marvel at me. And when I realize, I go still too. But then his face parts in a grin again and his head drops. It’s like playing a game of hot potato, lobbing the imaginary force of it back and forth.Laughter begetting laughter[They’re laughing because they can’t believe that they’re finally on a date!]begetting laughter[I wanted to subtly reference my favorite book, and this line is a spin on a line in the Red Rising series by Pierce Brown. nHis sentence is: “Death begets death begets death.” So… mine is: “Laughter begetting laughter begetting laughter.” a happy spin!].
Finally, the last of our laughter fizzles out like finishing the last sip of bubbly, and we allow the silence. I think he’s a second away from bending his elbows and lowering his mouth onto mine when he says, “Wanna play the question game?”
“Sure,” I exhale, a mixture of shock and unmet want.
He quickly bends his elbows and tucks his hands into hischest, unfolding next to me onto his back. The crash of waves fills the pause as he situates himself.
“Okay. First question,” Declan says.“If a crystal ball could tell you anything about your future, what would you want to know?”
I catch him looking at something in his left hand.
“Are you reading from a list?”[This question is from the “36 Questions to Fall in Love” list.]I demand.
“Maybe,” he says, faux shyness creeping into his voice.
I shake my head, but then the answer hits me. I contemplate choosing a lighter one, but I can’t think of a decoy in time. So out it comes. “I’d probably ask if I’ll ever see my dad again.”
The darkness has gone from navy blue to nearly black except for the subtle glow of the moonlight.If the world didn’t feel so still, I don’t think I’d have offered this level of candor.[Night time + no eye contact = rare moment of Blair opening up]
Declan rolls onto his side in the sand, facing me with his head on his bicep.
“You know,” his voice is soft, like an outstretched hand inviting me in. “It’s on your dad for never coming back. Not you.”
I stare at a specific star in the sky, scared of how my face will betray me if I look at him.
“Yeah, I know,” I choke out. “I just think—” I press my lips together.
“You just think what?”
“I know my dad is the only one to blame for his actions.But knowing something and believing it are two different things.”[Blair is only 17 years old here, but I feel like this has applied to my early 20s!]
I feel Declan’s meaningful stare on the side of my face, but I don’t turn. If I meet his eyes and see sadness in them, I’ll stop saying how I really feel. And it feels good to say it out loud for once.
“You blame yourself?” Declan says it like a fact. “For howhe left you and your mom. You’ve somehow deduced that it was your fault?”
“Well,” I huff, turning to meet his eyes finally. “It sounds so wrong when you put it like that. But when you’re five and no one is telling you what’s going on, it’s only natural to make up your own conclusion. Even if the information you’ve gathered with your tiny mind is incorrect.”[Almost word for word from a therapy session I had.]
