And besides,there is little I wouldn’t be willing to do for Declan.The thought clangs through me as if dropped into my mind from above. Swiftly, the flutter of fear follows it. I want Declan, and not just in the emotional-safety-blanket way.
Not because he dampens the stomach-churning effects of grief. Not because he’s a distraction. If anything, he was the exact opposite. He was the one who led me through my tears. Led me to face the life-altering reality when I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. And even at the bottom of my grief, I knew, deep in my gut, I would still have it in me to be there for him. It would be my joy to pull myself out of my world to be a part of his. The realization is startling. I couldn’t picture wanting anything close to the depth with which I wanted Declan. So, why did I feel so terror-stricken?
“Oh my gosh,” I breathe. “The thing Lottie always used to say—it’s happening to me.”
Faye and Roshi were still, waiting for me to snap out of my strange inwardness and explain.
“Lottie used to always say this phrase.” The familiar, painful knot forms in my throat and I berate myself to keep it together.I take a moment, try to breathe, and continue. “She would say, ‘the fear part only comes when it’s love.’ But you know, she would say it more in her accent that I never heard until other people told me she had one.”
Roshi laughs. “Relatable.”
“And I never understood what that meant, but she said I would know it was real love if it felt so big, it became scary to admit. If I felt transformed by it, felt like I’d be losing a part of myself if I lost it. And I do feel that fear now, but not because I don’t think it will work between us, but because I think it really will. Except, on the horrifying condition that I have to let him in on my grief as it happens. Which you guys know I’m terrible at. I’ve never even cried in front of you guys until now. But these days I really have no control over it.” In perfect irony, my voice crumples like a soda can being crushed and I bow my head to hide my contorting face.
Faye and Roshi scootch from their sections of the couch to reach me in an instant. I feel both sets of arms wrap around my shoulders and I finally allow myself to let go in front of them for the first time. My tears are for Lottie, because I did feel like I lost a tiny part of myself when I lost her. But they were also for the fear I felt, because I couldn’t escape the way I loved Declan.
The surge of emotions pours out now that I’ve let myself admit them. I did feel entirely transformed since seeing Declan again. Staying in Seabrook despite the grief that awaited me at every corner felt possible because of him. He was the insistent voice that reminded me of my love for writing. So much so, I was angry at him at first for reminding me of the dream I tried so hard to forget. But he pushed back on my self-doubt. Believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. And now, I hada nearly completed manuscript on my computer. In so many ways, being near him brought me closer to myself. And that was what scared me most. I had already been in love with him. I had never fallen out of love with him.
“What are you feeling right now?” Faye asks gently once my breathing calms.
“I’m thinking about how—”
“I asked you what you’re feeling, not what you’re thinking,” she protests, but her delivery makes me laugh. “You are such a thinker. Think, think, think! I’m convinced all your problems would be solved if you just let yourselffeelyour emotions.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” I burst out. But after a moment of silence, I let my head fall into my hands as I release another wave of sobs.
“There you go!” Faye points at me. “Would you look at that. You are a very fast learner indeed. You’re getting the hang of it right there.”
I look up and pin her with a glare through teary eyes.
Roshi claps as she honks with laughter.
“You guys are ridiculous,” I say with affection.
“And you’re in love. Our blinky Blairy is in love. Finally,” Faye singsongs, kneeling on the couch and clutching her hands to her chest.
“Not finally. Just again,” I say.
Roshi and Faye look at each other with wide eyes like they don’t recognize this version of me sitting on the couch.
“Oh my gosh.” I cover my face with my hands. “Do you guys want to know a secret? Since we’re already exposing everything about me right now?”
“Spill,” Faye demands.
“Declan may or may not live right across the street.”
Roshi and Faye freeze like they’re being pranked. They look at each other again, then slowly turn back to me. And then they scream.
“Oh my gosh! Blair, you self-effacing freak. I forgot about that. Why didn’t you remind us the second we came in?” Roshi yells, picking up a couch cushion to fling at me.
“Hey, you didn’t tell me that!” Faye whines.
I shrug and cover my face in self-defense.
“Well, now that I know that, you think I’m just gonna let you sit there? Get up! Get up!” Faye squeals.
They both fly up from the couch. Roshi, to throw soft things at me, and Faye, to physically pick me up from the corner I’ve been occupying.
“You are literally ridiculous. I can’t believe you’re a real human being who has avoided being in love with their best friend for this long. Get up, right now, we’re going to the bathroom to do your hair,” Faye rants as she sticks her pokey fingernails into my armpits to lift me up, and then pushes me to the bathroom, whipping out my hairbrush.
