“So, you’d rather just end this? You don’t even want to try?” I say, voice wavering.
“Of course not, Blair.” He takes a step toward me, laying his hand on my shoulder, and I feel the ball of dread loosen for the first time. “You can just come with me. Right?”
“What?” Now I’m the one to flinch from under his touch.
“Come with me,” he repeats, green eyes boring into mine.
“What do you mean ‘come with you’? I didn’t get into Notre Dame.”
“I know, but…” he starts, ruffling his hair, his hand drifting down to rub his neck.
“Oh my gosh,” I breathe. “You have got to be kidding me.”
An unexpected burst of anger rises in me at the realization of what he’s offering. A second ago I felt tiny. Now, I feel the astonishment expanding beyond my body in heat waves. He wants me to drop my dreams of going to Pepperdine to follow him, where I’ll be without a degree, without a path to getting a career, and without anyone I know other than him.
“I know it sounds crazy but trust me.” He grabs both my shoulders, passion raising his voice. “I’ve already had coaches tell me they see more potential in me than most of the guys playing on their college teams right now. I can do this for us, Blair. I can support us.”
I shake my head. “That’s not the point, Declan. It’s not just about me. What about my mom? Do you even remember the reason I wanted to go to Pepperdine in the first place?”
He looks down, shaking his head like I didn’t understand him.
“It’s not just about my life. It’s about my mom’s too,” I spit. “And look at us! If step one of our ‘plan’ could go so awry then what makes you think steps two, three, and four will go smoothly? We don’t even know if you’ll make it to the NFL!I’m not going to follow you around like a puppy and cross my fingers, hoping you’ll make it in four years and still manage to love me in all that time too,” I seethe, hating myself as I hear the desperation in my voice. Whether it’s desperation to prove him wrong or to be understood, I don’t know.
Most of the kids at our school had the privilege of taking gap years to “find themselves,” to study abroad in London or Barcelona to experience a different culture for the fun of it. I didn’t have that privilege. Suggesting I did and could waltz over to whatever state Declan lived in to… what? Date him? How would I even afford to live there? The fact that he thought it possible at all showed how different our circumstances were.
I knew I couldn’t make anyone else care like I did. They didn’t see what I saw. My mother had been working on her feet at the convenience store since I was five. She was always complaining about her back. Always had sweat above her brow. She never brought a single friend or man over to the house, because it wasn’t hers. None of it was. It was all Lottie’s. I wanted to buy her freedom from that.
“I could support her too,” he adds.
It feels like the walls start closing in at the sound of his words.
“Declan,” I start, shaking my head again. Trying desperately to clear it. “Do you not understand anything about me?”
“What are you talking about, Blair?” he says, exasperated. “If I make it to the NFL, and I will make it, those contracts would be able to support this entire town. You wouldn’t have to think about working at all. Your mom could retire. Isn’t that your dream?”
The words he’s saying are nothing but nectar, and yet, my vision is blackening at the periphery.
“You don’t get it, do you?” I plead.
He shakes his head infinitesimally, and the tiny movement breaks my heart.
“That’s what my mom did,” I say in a tiny, ragged voice, feeling a thousand miles away.
“What?” Declan says, voice softening. “I didn’t hear you.”
“That’s what my mom did.” I repeat, louder this time. “She followed her husband who promised her a good life.” I laugh. The sound is ugly. “And look where she ended up.”
Declan looks fearful for the first time.
“It’s not about what you could provide me, Declan. It’s about not putting my life in the hands of other people. What you’ll accomplish will be great, but I need to do the same for myself. I won’t let anyone else be responsible for that.” I shake my head through the tears blurring my vision. “Plus, you wouldn’t want that. All the pressure of supporting me and my mom? I thought you hated pressure.” I spit his earlier words back at him. “You don’t need to feel any pressure juggling me and football anymore. I want to do this for myself anyways.”
“Blair, I understand that but—come on. It’s us we’re talking about. I love you. We were going to build our lives together. College is just the one step in the way. You can trust me on this,” he tries, voice taking on a new kind of urgency.
“Hah.” The sound gurgles out of me without warning. “That’s what my dad said too. Oh, and let’s see,” I fake confusion, looking around. “Hmm, where is he? Anywhere around here?”
“Blair—”
“Oop! That’s what I thought. Nowhere to be found.” My laugh comes out sadistic, I hardly recognize the sound. I feel like I floating outside my body. “Right. My mom believed him when he promised that, unlike me right now, and where did she end up?”
