“Sure. It’s never just one person screwing up. I felt her pulling back, so I knew something was wrong. I could have asked her about it, pushed back on how she was acting. Instead I got all macho and withdrew, which meant neither of us was doing anything to keep the marriage going. By the time I figured out I’d made the wrong choice, things between us were pretty much over and there was no going back.”
“You’ve given this a lot of thought.”
“I had plenty of time to think when she was gone. You’re right—the house is big and when it’s just me, it can be lonely.”
His admission surprised her. “I hadn’t thought about it that way.”
“Because you’re never lonely. You have the kids and your sister, the store, Ramon. Even Harris. It’s a crowd.”
He was right, she thought. Even on the weeks when she was away from her kids, she was never lonely. Her days were filled with work, and she planned things in the evenings. If she just hung out, watching TV, Ramon was usually with her.
“I get the irony of it,” he said. “That I’m clear on the breakupbecause I put a lot of effort into understanding what went wrong. For a while I nearly convinced myself that if I’d put that much thought into the marriage we might still be together.”
“Do you think you could have made it?”
“Not so much. There were several fatal flaws. Even if I ignore the fact that I could have been a much better husband, there’s still the problem that she and I wanted different things. I’m sorry it didn’t work out but I’m not surprised.”
He glanced at her. “Too much sharing?”
“Just the right amount. I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage lately. What went wrong.” She thought about her recent conversation with her ex. “Harris told me he didn’t feel welcome in our lives. That we got into a routine while he was gone and when he showed up, he was just in the way.”
“Is that true?”
She glanced at him, then took a sip of her spritz. “Probably. I know it makes me a horrible person, but it was just plain easier when he wasn’t around. I like being in charge and maybe because of that we never learned to be partners in the traditional sense. Because of the store and Ramon, I couldn’t go on the road with him like some of the wives did. So we would go weeks without seeing each other. The baseball season can be long—especially when you factor in training camp and preseason. Once I had the kids, there was no way to pack them up and follow him from town to town, even if I wanted to. Then he got injured and had to leave the sport.”
“That had to be tough on both of you.”
“It was. For Harris it was the death of a dream. It took him a couple of years to come to terms with the loss. I, on the other hand, had two kids and a business. Suddenly my husband was around all the time, doing everything wrong and generally getting in the way.”
She groaned. “That came out way more terrible than I wanted it to. No wonder he was unhappy.”
“Sounds like you were unhappy, too.”
“Yes, but not an excuse for making Harris feel unwelcome in his own home.” She looked at him. “If I’ve made myself seem too unlikable, you could take me home now and have all the mac and cheese to yourself.”
“Lobstermac and cheese,” he corrected with a grin. “And I like having you here.”
“Even if I’m a hideous person?”
“You’re not.”
“Thank you for saying that.”
“Anytime.”
Three hours later Jax was happy to know that despite their conversational rocky start with the emotional dumps about their exes, the rest of the conversation had been easy. They’d talked about his business, her kids, the remodel and how neither of them ever wanted to move to a bigger city.
A little after nine, when the kitchen was clean and he’d insisted on packing up a to-go container of their delicious entrée, they walked back to his truck.
“I had a good time,” she told him.
He chuckled. “You sound surprised.”
“I am. I haven’t been on a first date since college. I’m out of practice and I was nervous.”
“You did good.”
“Thank you. So did you, although I doubt you were nervous.”
