“It’s not about the sex! Well, I mean, of course it is, because when is it evernot,really? But I just mean that he kissed you good night. And clearly wanted you to come to bed with him. And actually come to think of it, why didn’t you go to bed with him just now?”
I pat his shoulder. “Because I’m talking toyou.”
“Forget about me! Go! Cuddle your husband! Tell him how much you love his jawline.”
“How’d you know I love his jawline?”
“Girl.”
We both burst out laughing. And then I sober a little. “I…didn’t know you’d been worrying about this. Or, honestly, noticing this.”
“Raff has eyes and ears, you know! Raff has a high IQ and a high EQ, you know. Raff doesn’t only think about himself, you know!”
“Well! Okay! I know this!”
He props his chin on his hand. “Do you? Because sometimes you and Vin really do treat me like your nine-year-old son.Don’t tell the baby that Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore.”
“Hey!” I point an aggressive finger at his chest. “Vin and I love each other very much.”
He bangs the table. “And you have the hickey to prove it!”
“Ugh.” I bring my knees up and hide my face. “So embarrassing. We’re almost forty years old.”
“You could have told me, you know. That you were having problems.”
I unhide my face and study him. I see a lot more hurt there than I would have predicted.
“But I get it,” he continues on. “I probably wouldn’t have told me either. Nobody wants relationship advice from someone like me.”
I bristle. “Someone like you?”
“Oh, don’t make me spell it out. You already know.”
I’ve seen Raff sad plenty of times. Occasionally mad at himself, but this totally defeated, low-grade-despisement thing he has going on feels very foreign and unnatural.
“I donotknow.”
He twiddles his thumbs and tips his head back to watch the stars.
“Hey.” I wait until he looks at me. “Just now, when you said ‘having random sex with random people and wishing’…Did you mean…Wishing you were different than you are?”
His knee jumps. “No. I don’t know. I mean…I know we were joking about it the other night. That it would be so much easier to be like Vin. To just want the person you have. But…it’s not a joke. Because I see what it means toyouto be who Vin wants. To be theonlything that Vin wants. It’s…magic, right? Like, the rarest, most special gift you can ever give to someone? And…I don’t know if I can ever give that. I just…I don’t think I’m built that way. To only want one person at a time.”
“No, no, no. You’ve got it backwards. You started at the wrong side of the equation. The rarest and most special gift is loving someone the waytheywant, or need, to be loved. And…Vin and I…we’restillworking on that. I meant it when I said that what you described was a fairy tale. There is no magic spell that makes all this easy for us, just because we’ve made a monogamous commitment to each other. Raff, there’s nothing wrong with random sex with random people! Random people love you! You make random people’s month. But if what you’re saying is that you want partnership or companionship or a commitment of some kind with someoneandyou want to keep plowing through New York…well…it’s New York, go find someone who would be okay with that! Or who wants to do thatwithyou. You know what? I’m just going to say it. You areforbiddenfrom getting married, being monogamous, and having kids. You don’t want it! If you tried to do it, you’d just ruin your life. And the life of whoever you married. Just have random sex with random people if it makes you happy! Fall in love five times a week. Date everybody. At the same time!”
“That’s exactly what Lauro said,” he grumbles.
“Then take his advice if you can’t take mine,” I grumble back.
“Lauro is in love with one person and wants to be monogamous and get married and do oil paintings of each other’s butts. This disqualifies him from giving advice on this matter. Same as you.”
“Fine, fine. It’s above my pay grade. All I’m saying is that you wishing you were different can, in no way, shape, or form be the catalyst for Vin and me having had trouble this year. It doesn’t even make sense. Quit blaming yourself.”
He collapses back into his chair and looks at the stars. His head rolls to me. “Are you two really fucking again?”
“Mind your own business!”
He’s grinning at me.
