For the first time in a very long time, I’m feeling strong. I think I’d like to test my wingspan.
I swagger over to the bar and straight to the open area at Vin’s elbow. He keeps his back to the bar and looks down at me. I wave at the bartender and she winks to let me know I’m next.
I lean back and peer around Vin’s chest, ignoring the fact that his eyes are following me. “Hi, Sidney,” I call to the previously ignored coworker.
“Roz!” He’s delighted. He leans across Vin as well and busses my cheek. Vin’s eyes keep following me as I order my drink, make small talk with Sidney, shoo Sidney off when his wife arrives at the other end of the bar.
And then it’s just the two of us in a crowd full of people we vaguely know. I’ve got my eyes on the mirror behind the bar, which gives me the perfect view of the impromptu dance floor that’s heating up over my shoulder. And the even more perfect view of the back of Vin’s head as he leans next to me, looking out at the room. That’s one thing about Vin, you can put your back to a room full of people and he’ll keep an eye on the whole world for you.
“So, uh,” he finally says, and I can’t help but smile to myself. I feel like I won some small competition, getting him to speak first. “What were you mouthing at me?”
I lean back and raise an eyebrow. Our eyelines meet like magnets. “Oh,” I say airily. “You’ll never know.”
He recoils slightly, trying to get a read on me.
“So,” I say, facing back to the bar. “Your brother is living on his own. In a nice apartment. With a vegetable steamer.”
For a moment he’s still trying to read me, his eyes all over me. But he seems to give in to the conversation. “And way too many houseplants,” he says with a frown over at the gifts table. “Where the hell does he meet all these people?”
“Not just houseplants,” I say. “Did you see that someone brought him a goldfish?”
“Oh. Yeah. What’d you think?”
“What’d I think? I mean, what an incredible housewarming gift for Raff! He needs constant company. I wonder who—”
Vin is scrubbing at the back of his neck and glancing at me. He looks simultaneously pleased and embarrassed.
Here’s another thing about Vin. He doesn’t directly tell you he’s leaving you, but also he buys his little brother a goldfish so he won’t be lonely.
Help.
Apparently the universe hears me because seconds later there are two heavily essential-oiled arms around both Vin and me. My temple is against Raff’s temple is against Vin’s temple. Raff pulls back with a grin. “Hi, family.”
My stomach tightens.
“You’re the belle of the ball,” I tell him. “Everybody loves you. Everybody wants you.”
“I know!” he says with delight, and then his brow comes down. “Actually, I think I kind of botched the invite list.”
“How?” Vin asks. He’s started scanning the room, taking stock of the attendees.
“I invited way too many hopefuls. I can’t possibly please them all.”
Vin stops scanning and rolls his eyes. This, apparently, is not a problem he’s concerned with solving for Raff.
“Oh, who cares!” I tell Raff. “Give it your best shot.” I plant two hands on his shoulders and start slow-shimmying them. “The dance floor awaits.”
And it does. I’ve never met a dance floor that wasn’t waiting for Raff. He slides backwards, licks two fingers, and makes them sizzle against his eyebrows. I bark a laugh and enjoy the view of Evan, Raff’s boss, dancing like he’s plunging a toilet.
The bartender asks Vin if he likes the beer she recommended to him and he responds with a firm negative. She laughs, thinking he’s flirting. I laugh, knowing he’s not. His eyes are on the side of my face but my eyes are still on the dance floor.
From my vantage point I can see at least three different people currently in love with Raff. He’s either blissfully ignorant or blissfully in the know. His arms roll up toward the heavens and he shakes his tail feather. Did I mention he’s in carpenter jeans and a tight black tee and a big silver chain? He draws one hand down to touch the sweat on his neck and the surface tension breaks, the three lovesick lovebirds converge in unison, clearly wanting to claim him for their own. I watch as he clocks all three in his peripherals and then beelines straight for me.
And then I’m twirled onto the dance floor by my brother-in-law, laughing involuntarily and happy to provide the assist. Raff and I…helping each other dance alone by dancing together…this is what we do.
It’s sharply wonderful to dance. It’s been too long. I feel the wax crack off my spirit. Oh, that’s right, life is supposed to feel good.
My eyes ski around the dance floor. It’s a warm summer night and it’s hot in here anyhow, so I’m spotting quite a lot of glistening shoulders, the waterfall of collarbones, inner thighs giving way to audacious butt cheeks where shorts just can’t contain our collective will to live. I get lost, for a moment, in the elbow next to me. I can never draw elbows! And now I can see why, because what shape even is that? I scan for more elbows, each one so different and so similar to the last. I wonder if it’s possible to draw a dance party.
