I have always known that I needed to live a very long time so that I could outlive him. Because what would he do without me? It was my job, as his older brother…I was there the day he was born. There are Polaroids to prove it, and I would be there to help him to the other side someday, I just always sort of knew this…without thinking too hard about it…I knew it.
But then I met a woman.
(Roz!)
(Roz!)
Oh, fine. Yes. I obviously talk too much about my wife. You’ve heard the stories. I get it. Get a life, Vin. Well, yeah. You should be so lucky to love someone as much as I love her.
ANYWAYS. I met a woman. And she has this way about her. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t the only one changing the pillowcases. She was choosing the soap she thought smelled best. Someone else was thinking about tax season. Someone else…
So, for me, marrying someone, it felt a little bit like infinity? Like, yes, obviously forever just means until you die. But I took her hand and it occurred to me that I might get hit by a bus. I might…get cancer. I might have a heart attack. I might dietomorrow. And it would be all right, because she would be there for my brother. Loving her meant loving him. Meant putting my heart into someone else’s body because she loves him too. She’s not going to let my brother be alone even if I’m dead…Even if we get divorced. Loving her has felt…like immortality? I was giving myself, extending beyond my, whatever, my body, my, my, my mortal confines! That’s what it’s called. My mortal confines.
And here’s the thing. Because I stopped thinking, for the first time, that I’d have to outlive my brother just as a matter of course, because I was suddenly able to just die whenever I’m gonna die, suddenly…I realized that I might not die alone.
Look, I haven’t spent a ton of time picturing this. And I know this makes me sound so sad and like Beetlejuice or whatever, I’m just saying that in the back of my mind, I always thought I’d die alone.
But I asked Roz to marry me and it suddenly seemed like I probably wouldn’t.
That there would be somebody to make sure there were flowers on the grave. And I just…I just got used to that really fast.
I put my heart in her chest and she carries it around. And she’ll put flowers on my grave.
And from the moment I realized that I wanted to marry her, I was already thinking about the end. Not the end of our relationship, but the end…of it all.
Loving her made me think about death. In a good way. It was a gift. It was because I wasn’t scared to go. Not when I had her.
So, that’s…Yeah. It’s not a story, really. It’s my thought. She’s my “the end is the beginning.”
Ten
Last week, afterseeing Em’s work, I left this classroom feeling excited and inspired. Nevertheless, this week I’m glaring at some truly awful drawings on my drawing pad. There is nothing to be found of the model in these drawings and I certainly hope there’s nothing to be found of me because these are ugly, stunted scribbles.
Can I blame it on Vin and the fact that I’m starting to see some things I hadn’t been able to see before, yet I’ve not actually seenhimsince we fell asleep in bed together? Sure, yeah. That sounds plausible.
Our model is Pavel again, and you’d think it would be easier to draw someone familiar, that you’ve already drawn.
But—big bummer—I’m not finding myself spiritually connected to his vulnerability. I’m finding myself irritated at him because drawing is hard.
Which is obviously not fair. But here we are.
My pencil gets pressed to the paper by Daniel’s hand. “Draw, Antonio,draw,” he says.
I put my hands on my hips and face him. “But I don’t know how to draw!”
Apparently Daniel has got a little sweet-and-sour sauce of his own because he puts his hands on his own hips. “And you think you’ll learn from me telling you how?”
“Well!” I shake my head at myself and let my arms go limp.“Obviously not. Obviously I can only learn fromdraw, Antonio, draw-ing.”
He laughs. There’s affection in his eyes. He’s sensing yet another teaching moment, courtesy of the noob. “Do you know what I’m quoting when I say that?”
I shake my head. The timer beeps and Pavel puts his basketball shorts back on.
Daniel walks to the big chalkboard at the corner of the room and roots around for some chalk. There are still his notes from earlier in class (about the position of ribs and sternum and what it means for the pelvis), so he flips the board to the clean side. And is confronted with a comically excellent drawing of an enormous, hairy dick and balls.
“Ha ha,” Daniel says, erasing it.
“It was a nose and ears!” Lauro calls from the back of the classroom.
