“I rather enjoyed it,” he replied, thinking of the disoriented look on Eirlana’s face. Traveling through the Library’s magic took some getting used to, and he certainly hadn’t made the ride pleasant.
May’s dark eyes narrowed. “She’s the Assistant Librarian, whether you like it or not. You can’t treat her like an unruly child.”
“I’m treating her exactly like what she is: a spy.” Allaster flipped the book on the lectern closed, sending it back to its place on a nearby shelf with a wave of his hand.
“You don’t know her.”
“I know Vera chose her, which is enough.” Allaster wanted to believe in Eirlana. He needed an ally now more than ever, but Vera would never waste an opportunity like this. She would have chosen someone she could use against him, someone whose hatred of beasts rivaled her own. The last thing he needed was a Haidrin zealot spouting scripture at his mages and threatening to burn down the paddocks.
May dragged a hand through the roots of her loose curls, the surest sign of exasperation she ever displayed. Allaster winced. He really didn’t enjoy causing May distress, and he knew she was concerned, but this wasn’t a risk he was willing to take.
“We can’t keep doing this,” she said. “You’re running out of time. Youneedher.”
“I won’t—” Allaster cut off upon noticing the study tables, where several mages were doing a particularly bad job of pretending not to eavesdrop. With a snap of his fingers, he transported himself and May to an empty reading room, shutting the solid oak door with a flick of magic.
“I won’t entrust the Library’s secrets to a stranger,” he continued more quietly. “Least of all one handpicked by a woman who detests everything about it.”
May folded her arms. “She’ll only be a stranger if you keep locking her in rooms, Allaster. She’s the first Kalish Assistant in nearly two centuries. It’s going to be difficult for her. At least get to know her before you condemn her.”
The last thing Allaster had any interest in doing wasgetting to knowsomeone, least of all Vera’s pawn. And what May was asking him to trust her with—it was too big, too important to rush into carelessly. He might as well bare his throat to a rabid Tyver. At least the beast would make it quick.
May must have read his answer on his face, because hers softened, and she dropped into a reading chair with a heavy sigh. “I know how hard this is for you—”
“No,” Allaster said with the last dregs of his restraint. “You don’t.”
She flinched. “You’re right. I don’t. But I do understand it. You said yourself there’s no way out of this. You’re running out of henolite, and it’s barely keeping the magic contained. If you lose yourself to it before we know whether or not we can trust her, it will be too late.”
“I’m aware of that,” Allaster ground out. He struck out across the room, the urge to move driving him to one wall then back across to the other. Magic roiled beneath his skin, as quick to agitation as hewas. But where his frustration was harmless, the power inside him had the capacity to destroy everything.
In some ways, it already had.
He dragged his fingers through his hair and felt the scrape of claws, a sensation that only heightened his distress. “I canfeelit growing inside of me, May.” His voice strained to breaking. “I—” He cut himself off, swallowing the words back at the growing look of alarm on her face.
For so long, he had kept the terror of what was happening to him imprisoned inside. He was the Librarian of Amorlin, the one the mages looked to for strength, for direction. He was notallowedto come apart, least of all now.
But the truth was, he was afraid.
Afraid, because his magic was slowly transforming him into a beast. Into a creature without thought or foresight, driven mad by the magic in his veins. Soon it would take him over, change him from human to monster, until he lost everything that had ever made him himself. And if he could not ascertain the truth of Eirlana’s loyalties before that happened, he would be leaving the Library vulnerable.
He would be leaving it in the hands of an enemy.
“If she is truly Vera’s pawn,” he bit out, “shecannotknow the truth of what is happening to me. If word of this gets out to the other nations, they’ll call a Conclave. Remove me for the safety of the realm and hand the Library over to the Kalish, or declare war on us out of fear. There’s no end to the ways she could use this against me, and giving her magic would just make her all the more dangerous.”
Yet if he didn’t grant her magic and legitimize her, Kalthos could start an inquest itself. Either way, he would lose.
May rose to approach him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “And if she’s not, then you need her. I’m not suggesting we tell her everything. Only that we give her a chance.”
He swallowed hard against the emotion building in his throat and nodded once. “All right,” he acquiesced. “A chance.”
He ran a hand through his hair again, straightening the mess he’dmade, and took a deep breath. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meet with Ambric so that he can yell at me too.”
He teleported to the portal room, where the Miravi door was already alight with the glow that indicated a waiting traveler. His brother would be on the other side, prepared to lecture him on his lack of recent diplomacy, but Allaster took a moment to collect himself.
For nearly a year he’d put off summoning an Assistant, knowing that when they arrived, they would be a part of Vera’s plans. Now that she was here, the decision before him felt too large to make and yet all the more demanding. He could only play this game for so long, and he already felt a step behind.
Because while he had expected Vera to send a pawn, what he hadn’t expected was tolikethem. His and Eirlana’s interaction had been brief, but there had been something about her. Something almost familiar that had drawn him in a little too readily.
What he couldn’t decide was if it made him want to trust her, or keep her very, very far away.
