The horse’s ears flicked, and he snorted, lifting his head. Ericen went rigid, spinning on the spot with one hand on a sword hilt. I froze.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” What didn’t I mean? I’d meant to come looking for him, but I hadn’t expected to find him so vulnerable. It felt like an intrusion.
He relaxed, letting his hand drop to his side. “It’s all right. What are you doing here?”
I approached slowly. “I came looking for you.”
“Funny. I could have sworn you’ve been avoiding me since last night.”
I paused at the edge of the barn door. “Is that why you threw Shearen on his back? Old-fashioned jealousy?”
Ericen smirked, crossing his arms. The moonlight caught the edge of his black jacket, illuminating the definition of his arms. Kiva’s warning echoed. “First, Shearen has a boyfriend. Second, he deserved it.”
“No doubt. But that’s what I have Kiva for.” One overprotective friend was enough. “But I haven’t been avoiding you. I left the ball early last night, and I was in town this morning.” Neither of those were lies exactly.
“Right. Your new hobby.” He sounded skeptical. “Maybe I could go with you—”
“No.” The word came too quickly, and I cursed silently as his mouth pressed into a thin line. “What I mean is, being here—it’s not easy for me. Visiting the Colorfalls is a break from it all. It’s still Illucia, but it’s…I don’t know. Easier.”
He regarded me with a sidelong look, and for an instant, I saw Caylus, his curls falling over bright, curious green eyes, head tilted in question. I blinked the image away to find Ericen regarding me strangely.
“I understand. Though I have to say I thought we’d moved past that.”
A warning prickled in my chest. “Moved past what?”
He looked at Callo as he said, “What my mother did.”
“You mean ripping everything and everyone I ever loved away from me?” My voice surprised even me with its cool edge.
He stiffened, fingers curling and uncurling into fists. But he didn’t respond. For some reason, his silence was worse. It broke something inside me, and what came rushing out was hot and sharp.
“You destroyed our way of life!” My voice erupted. It seemed strange it’d taken this long for this conversation to happen. But as I stood glaring at him, my hands clenched, I understood why. Because until now, until this moment, it wouldn’t have mattered.
My hatred for him when we’d first met had softened. At the beginning, I’d thought accusing him of taking everything from me would have just given him satisfaction. Now, some absurd part of me actually expected him to apologize, to explain, to say it wasn’t his fault.
I wanted him to give me a reason not to hate him.
Ericen was quiet for a long moment, focused on Callo as the horse ate. Finally, he found my gaze, his blue eyes nearly silver in the moonlight. “Do you know why my mother attacked Rhodaire?”
“Because Illucians are power-hungry mongrels who want to own the world?”
He smirked, and the familiar one-sided twitch of his lips made me want to punch him. “Yes, that’s part of it. But with Rhodaire, it was personal.”
“Some rogue soldiers from the Turren Wing killed part of your mother’s family,” I said quietly. “But they were punished by us and her.” She had used their anger at Rhodaire for stripping them of their ranks and crows to sway them to her side and carry out Ronoch. Then she’d executed them.
“Do you know exactly what they did?” When I shook my head, he continued. “They cornered her husband, mother, and older sister, and she was forced to watch as they ordered their crows to tear her family apart.”
I felt behind me for the barn wall and leaned against it, my throat tightening.
“My mother didn’t even want to be queen.” A despondent smile crossed his lips. “She wanted to breed horses. But with her sister dead and her father soon after, she had no choice.”
She had had her family and future taken from her in one bloody night. I understood what that was like. And Ericen—he hadn’t called Razel’s husband his father.
“Your father…” I began.
He shook his head. “They didn’t touch her, not like that. I never even met him though. Calling him ‘Father’ seems…strange.”
I understood. I’d never known my father either. He felt so far away, like a figment of my imagination or a memory faded over time.
