“I know what you must think of me, but I don’t want this for you, Thia. I’d marry him myself if I could.”
The river of anxiety rushing through me slowed. Caliza had apologized twice now, and this wasn’t even her fault. Not really. It was an impossible situation. “I don’t want that either.”
She collapsed onto the edge of my bed, burying her face in her hands. “I know. And I know I’ve been horrible, and I know I’ve been—”
“Colder than a water crow’s ice?” I offered. She choked out a laugh. I reached out, then hesitated. I was used to seeing Caliza like steel, like our mother. Now she looked small and a little broken. I didn’t know how to comfort her.
I sat beside her and laid my hand on her shoulder. She leaned into it, the tension in her body melting. “My life changed too, you know,” she said. “When we lost the crows. I had to learn to be queen, to take care of the kingdom and of you. I forgot to be your sister.”
“I didn’t exactly make it easy.”
She shook her head. “No. This isn’t your fault. The way you feel isn’t your fault.” Her words pulled loose something inside me, like a coil of yarn unspooling. “I’m so sorry for the things I said, Thia. I thought, if I was like Mother, if I pushed you…” Her lips pressed firm, her throat bobbing. “It was wrong.Iwas wrong.”
A shudder racked my body, and I swallowed down a sob. I’d known she hadn’t meant to hurt me with the things she’d said, but it hadn’t stopped the pain.
She met my gaze. “I don’t want you to go, but I can’t see what other choice we have. Everything I’ve read, everything I’ve been told says this is the right decision. We can’t stand against Illucia. They have the Ambriels and Jindae. If they declared war, they would destroy us.”
“What about Trendell? Is Kuren trying to persuade them to fight?” My voice came out hoarse.
Caliza smiled faintly at the mention of her husband. “He’s trying, yes. But the Trendellans are a peaceful people; they want no part in this. I’m sure they don’t want to send their few soldiers to slaughter either.”
“So you’d surrender without a fight instead?”
“This kingdom has already lost so much. It couldn’t survive another war.”
I pulled my knees to my chest. “It won’t survive my marriage either. Illucia won’t settle for a lawful connection to Rhodaire. I don’t know whether they’re forming this bond until they’re ready to attack or what, but this can’t be all they’re planning.”
“I know. But for now, it’s our only option. We both know I couldn’t refuse Razel. If anything, it’ll buy us time to think of something else.”
I bit my lip. “What if we had a crow?”
Caliza went rigid, and I knew I’d said the wrong thing. She stood. “The crows can’t help us, Anthia. They’re the reason we’re in this mess. We were too dependent on them, and now they’re gone.”
“Except they’re not.” I stood too. “I found a storm crow egg.”
Something in her expression flickered, as if considering my words, before her resolve hardened. “Even if you could hatch it, it won’t be enough. You don’t understand what we’re up against. You never have. You shirked your duties as princess even before Ronoch!”
“And you’ve never understood the crows! You’ve always hated them, and they knew it. It’s why none of them would ever let you ride them.”
Caliza’s face flushed, and my anger broke as understanding settled. “That’s it, isn’t it?” I asked. “Why you’re so against them?”
She dropped back onto the bed. “I wasn’t meant to be a rider. Mother always said so.”
“What?”
“She told me to give up on the crows. I tried anyway, but she was right. The crows rejected me.”
I sat beside her. “I had no idea.”
Caliza smiled tightly. The circlet on her head sat askew, her usually immaculate hair tangled around it. Tension rippled across her skin like an earthquake. Then she straightened, letting out a single shuddering breath. “We cannot win this war with a single crow.”
“Maybe. But we could win with a crow and Trendell’s support. And they might help us if they thought we had a chance.”
She didn’t respond at first, fingers worrying at a few strands of hair. Her fingers were so thin, delicate, not made to grip a sword or hold fast to a saddle hundreds of feet in the air.
“Please, Caliza. You have to trust me.” Reaching out, I took her hand in mine. Her fingers stilled. I leaned forward to meet her gaze, and swore for a fleeting second that tears threatened her eyes. Then she blinked, and the look was gone.
“I’m so sorry.” Her words tumbled out in a torrent. “I’ve been so overwhelmed. I didn’t think there was another way—I still don’t. I mean, I don’t know if hatching the egg is possible, and I don’t know if it will help, but you’re right. If there’s even a chance, we have to take it.” Her hand tightened around mine.
