“Avoiding these feelings, or refusing to acknowledge them, only gives them more power.” Maeve turns toward me. “So tell me again, Edith, what is it that makes you angry?”
With each answer, it’s felt like a layer of the armor I’ve built myself has been peeled away. Like I see some part of myself, of my struggle, in each of them. And it’s only right I share my own anger, my pain, my sadness with them, after they’ve each done the same.
I swallow hard, digging deep within me to try to find words for all I feel. “I… I’m angry that my dad would hurt my mom. That he didn’t know what to do with his anger other than take it out on her. And…” Tears prick my eyes as I look out over the gaping crater before me, feeling like I could fall into it. The depths of my rage feel just as consuming. “Most of all, I’m angry at myself for not being able to understand Mom sooner… or realize why it was so hard for her to leave.”
I choke on the rest of my words, unable to get anything else out.
All I can think of is what Amund said.Sometimes leaving is harder than staying.
So many people, including myself, are quick to blame the victim for staying. But where is the blame for the abuser? The ones who make it so difficult, or even dangerous, to leave? It’s so much more complicated than I realized. Of course leaving wasn’t easy or simple.
How could it be? She had two daughters to worry about.
Tala gives me a quick hug. “We’re here for you, Edith. Let it out. If you can share the pain, it helps lessen how much it hurts.”
Isaac cups his hands around his mouth and starts screaming toward the crater. The sound echoes, amplifying it, until I can feel his scream reverberating through my bones.
Tala joins him. So does Kris.
Even Maeve.
They all scream, as if once they’ve started, they can’t stop.
I think of the lifetime of anger I’ve kept locked up inside me. How much I’ve been told all my life to suppress it, that it wasn’t acceptable for me to feel that way, especially as a girl. I was neverallowedto be angry. So I’ve just kept it all bottled up, while it’s been gnawing at my insides, eating me alive.
I scream, but the sound comes out small. Awkward. I want to swallow it back down, feeling humiliated by how hard this is for me. It feels sounnatural. As I look at Tala, Kris, Isaac, and Maeve, I realize no one is judging me. They’re all screaming full volume, unconcerned with anyone else. Once I let it out, I want to keep trying.
So I scream again.
Louder.Louder.
I scream until my lungs ache and my throat feels raw. It’s like every pent-up emotion I’ve trapped inside me is ripping free, a lifetime of anger pouring out like a burst dam. I haven’t screamed like this since I found my parents in their bedroom. That scream just exploded out of me. I couldn’t have held it back even if I wanted to. Screaming like this feels the same—
The other berserkir stop, throwing their hands over their ears.
My scream dies in my throat.
“Ow,” Tala says, shaking her head. “My ears are ringing.”
Isaac winces. “What the hell was that?”
“This is Edith’s first time releasing her rage,” Maeve says, rubbing one of her ears. “Her scream must have manifested particularly powerfully.” She eyes me a little more closely. “Why don’t we try again?”
“Okay.” My voice comes out shaky.
Tala gives me an encouraging nod. “It’s okay—you got this.”
I focus on the crater stretching before me.
We scream together, the sound of our anger deafening.
Wolves howl in the distance, answering our call.
It feels primal. Powerful. For once, I’m taking control of myself andmy emotions. My whole life, I’ve been craving this catharsis but have never been able to find it. Until now. I scream until my rage runs out, giving way to sadness.
Tears blur my vision. It feels like I’ve been scraped completely hollow, and now there’s nothing left. All the anger, all the rage I’ve spent my life fighting, the hidden bitterness that was my constant companion? It’s been released, and now there’s only despair waiting to drown me in its depths.
My screams become choked sobs.
