“That’s not your concern. My triggers, my trauma, it’s my responsibility.”
“You made mine yours,” I countered. “You’ve done that literally since the day we met.”
“Yeah, but that’s different. I’m a man. Your man. It’s my job to protect you and keep you safe.”
“You’re my man?” I repeated softly with a grin, resisting the urge to straddle his lap.
“I’d like to be.” His reply was soft, careful, as if he thought I’d say anything except yes. Even with me just getting out of a relationship, I’d never say no to Haji.
“If you’re my man, it’s my job to protect your heart. Your emotions. Your peace. So if you trust me . . .” I stood and hopped out of the truck. “Come with me.”
He stared at my extended hand before placing his hand inside. I led him down to the river. His steps slowed, but he followed behind me.
“Let’s get inside,” I instructed, looking up at him.
His jaw clenched and brows wrinkled as he stared at the still water. Haji swallowed hard and his nostrils flared before he looked down at me. If he didn’t want to, I wouldn’t pressure him, but I hoped he would.
“I really must like your ass,” he grumbled, walking forward until his feet sank into the water.
“I think you might love me a little too. You’re just too scared to say it.”
Once we were deep enough in the water until it came up to my armpits and the middle of his chest, Haji looked down at me and pulled me into his arms.
“I fell in love with you the day I met you, Zoe. I buried my feelings because I was a married man in love with my wife, and I would never do anything to hurt her or go against my integrity.” When his hand cupped my cheek, my eyes fluttered as theywatered. “That love ebbed and flowed over the years, depending on how much I missed you and worried about you, . . . how angry I was that you chose to leave. But yeah, I do love you. And I’ve been falling in love all over again since the day you came back to me.”
My hands slid down his chest as I processed his words. There was no reason for me to deny how he felt or what he said, because it aligned with how I felt for him back then too. I felt something for Haji the moment he touched my feet. Though I’d never act on my feelings because he was a married man, my yearning for him and feeling safest with him was another reason I fled. It felt wrong to crave him and his closeness knowing he belonged to someone else. As innocent as our exchanges were, and as much as they focused on healing and grief, there was something else beneath the surface that I never thought we’d get the chance to explore—until now.
“I felt the same way, and that was a part of why I wanted to leave. You were the only person I trusted and wanted to be around, and regardless of how much Lianne said she didn’t have a problem with me being around, I felt bad. Her being so willing to share you with me to help me with my grief, it only made me feel worse.” I paused and composed myself to keep my tears from falling.
“When I left the apartment that day, I ended up at the hospital. My heart was shutting down on me, and my oxygen was low. I was so upset with my family, and the only person I wanted near was you. That was when I realized how deep my feelings were for you. I convinced myself it was trauma and attachment because of what we were going through, but the more time passed and the more distance I put between us, the more I realized I was in love with you. I told myself I’d never have the chance to tell you or experience you, so this summer feels like a dream come true. I love you too, Haji.”
His smile was soft as he picked me up and wrapped my legs around him.
“I never would’ve cheated on her, and I never will cheat on you. I don’t believe her life ended for me to be with someone else, but if I get to spend a season of my life with you, that’s probably the best thing God could have done to make up for taking her from me so soon.”
“I wouldn’t have let you cheat,” I made clear. “The man I love wouldn’t do that. If Sissy and Lianne get to have each other in Heaven, . . . I’m happy to have you here on Earth.”
Haji’s smile led to him biting his bottom lip before he connected his lips with mine. I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that, but eventually, we went for a swim. I noticed the silent tears he released as he stared toward the sky, and I gave him space. There would come a time later when I’d be able to love on him and comfort him, but for now, I knew he needed time to talk to God and Lianne more than anything else, and I was quite alright with that.
“Good mornin’, Precious.”
“Mm, a very good morning it is,” I confessed, pulling Haji down to me.
Waking up in his arms, in his bed, was better than anything I’d experienced in life. I wasn’t sure how it happened, but me pulling him down to me led to me riding him. Each place his hands touched on my body set me on fire. Moans and groans erupted from us both, and the sound of his husky, sleep riddled voice only further aroused me.
By the time I felt myself nearing the edge, I could barely take any more. My hands went to his chest as I leaned forward.
“Un unh,” he admonished, using his hand to push me back upright. “Stay just like that.” With his hands on my waist, Haji kept me in place as he fucked me back. My toes curled, back arched, and legs tightened around him. “Go ahead and cum.”
“Aah shit,” I moaned as I convulsed against him.
“Yeaaah, that’s my good girl.”
I whimpered while he continued to fill me as my walls throbbed around him. Haji waited until I came down to lay me on my back and fill me with long, deep strokes. His lips connected with mine, our tongues swirling around each other with the same tempo of his hips driving into me. Holding him close, I allowed myself to surrender to the fact that I never, ever wanted to let this man go.
12
Haji
