His head shook, but he didn’t respond immediately. A long exhale escaped him, and he tightened his grip on me before he spoke.
“I quit because I felt like I couldn’t save anyone since I couldn’t save my wife.”
“How’d she die? If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay. I know that’s an insensitive question to ask, but it came out before I could stop myself.”
“It’s cool. I kind of opened the door for it.” Haji paused. “She drowned. We were at the beach for our anniversary, and I went to grab us some drinks. I’d told her not to go too far in the water because she wasn’t a strong enough swimmer to actually get in the ocean.” His head shook. “But Lianne was so stubborn and hardheaded. She swore she could do anything and hated to listen.” His smile was soft. “She went further into the waves than she should have, and by the time I came back, she was yelling for help. I went after her, along with the lifeguard, but by the time I got to her, she was gone.”
“Haji . . .”
“I couldn’t save my own fucking wife in some water, Zoe. There was no way I’d risk not being able to save someone in fire.”
I didn’t respond right away. A part of me knew there was nothing I could say to change his perspective on the situation, but I wanted to say something that would at least give him some relief.
“We don’t know why God chooses to take who He chooses to take. What I do know is, there was no way you could have saved her or anyone else for that matter when God was ready to bring her home. And while you may not have been able to save her in that moment, I’m sure she knew she was safest with you every day of her life with you. It’s the same with you being a fireman. Every life meant for you to save, you’ll save. Only those God is ready for does He allow to release their spirit. So regardless of how our god complex allows us to think we have more power than we actually do, that’s completely beyond your control. Ifyou were passionate about being a fireman, I hope one day you have the courage to do it again.”
“What are you passionate about?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. Right now, I’m passionate about Grounds 4 Love. Before that, all I could focus on was surviving. What are you passionate about?”
A beat of silence passed before he said, “Making you feel seen and safe enough to not just survive but thrive.”
Silence found us, and I felt like we both had a lot to think about. By the time we made it to the diner, I was so lost in my thoughts that only the coolness and brightness of the space was able to snap me out of it. Haji put me on my feet and shifted me in front of him.
“Thank you,” he muttered, wrapping his arms around me. “Not just for what you did at the shop, but for what you said on our walk. You’re right. It was me feeling like I’d failed at keeping her safe that made me quit being a fireman. I didn’t look at it like a god complex, but that’s exactly what it was. I know there was nothing I could have done if it was truly her time, but accepting that makes me feel powerless, and I’m not sure of too many men who can operate like that. Holding some type of control, even if it was laced with guilt, made me feel like I could also control my healing. I won’t suggest I’ll go back to being a fireman any time soon, but I can say you’ve given me something to think about.”
“I guess I should thank you too then. When I first left, I had a clear plan in mind. I’d stay here for a month, work at the coffee shop, then return to my career. But I don’t want to cling to what fills the holes in my soul. I want to heal. I want to thrive. I want to operate from the same state of passion that led to my sister opening Grounds and you becoming a fireman. The more time I spend with you, the more you disrupt what I thought I was satisfied with at home. I like that.”
“You’re beautiful. You know that?”
I realized Haji didn’t expect an answer when he lowered himself to my lips and kissed me. Well, that word doesn’t accurately describe what Haji did to me. What we shared. It went beyond a kiss. We inhaled each other’s exhales. Tied a bit of our souls together. The deeper the kiss grew, the more tender it became. Moans poured from me as he sighed and groaned against my lips.
When we finally pulled apart, we made our way to a booth. I didn’t care about the eyes that were on us. All I cared about was the man holding my hand. We settled inside the booth and were helped quickly. I ordered beef tips in gravy with mashed potatoes and sour cream, and Haji got a diner classic, cheeseburger and fries.
Our meals were prepared and brought out quickly, and mine was delicious. I had a bite of his burger and agreed with him yet again that it was the best burger I’d ever tasted. After we were done eating, we went up to my room. As much as I was looking forward to him giving me a foot massage, I said, “We’ve both had a long day, Haji. I don’t want to keep you for too long.”
“What do I have to go home to? I’d much rather be here with you.”
“Then I’ll keep you,” I decided with a smile as I unlocked the door.
“How much do you trust me?” Haji asked, closing and locking the door behind him. “Enough to take care of you tonight? Completely?”
“Yes,” I agreed, with no hesitation. “I trust you to take care of me . . . and to have your way with me.”
“Good,” he whispered against my neck before kissing it.
When I told Haji that I trusted him, I had no idea what it would lead to. I didn’t know he’d undress down to his boxers and join me in the shower, washing me from head to toe. I didn’t know he’d carry me out and oil and massage every inchof my body—not just my feet. I didn’t know when I spread my legs that he’d finger and eat my pussy until I came, and gushed, and squirted. I didn’t know he’d hold me until I fell asleep, whispering a soft goodbye that barely registered before he left me in my room with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.
10
Haji
It felt backward as hell asking Zoe out on a date after I’d seen her naked and devoured her pussy, but here we were. I’d stopped by the floral shop to grab her two dozen red and white roses before showing up at her room. I wasn’t expecting things to progress the way they did last night, but I went with the flow. It wasn’t just about sex, which was why I didn’t penetrate Zoe with my dick. More than anything, I wanted to connect with her intimately. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to cherish her and pleasure her.
All night, images of her body plagued me. Her smile. The taste of her pussy. Feel of her kiss. Warmth of her walls. Her mouth. The beauty of her smile.
I didn’t want to acknowledge it.
It felt impossible.
