“It’s not you.”
I grimace. “I’m sorry. I should’ve—”
“Did you kill someone to do this?” Benji gestures to his unmarked legs. “Is that how you released that debt?”
So he can see the monster lurking in me, even when I cannot reckon with it myself. If it weren’t for the oath—if I could deny this—would he even believe me?
He pushes down his pant leg. “Good.”
“What?” My head jerks back.
He looks up with watery brown eyes, and suddenly the stony face of a hardened faerie cracks into that of a child of only ten years. “I saidgood.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. They killed my brother. All of them.” He shakes his head, his curls bouncing. “If they all get to be killers, why can’t we?”
“Benji!” I look over my shoulder, but no one is there. “How many times must we remind you who may be listening?”
“Let them listen—I don’t care!” he yells. “You can cut them down. You can conjure flames from your arms and battle the king in magic andlive. So let them.” His voice breaks, and his soft brown eyes spill over with tears.
“Oh, honey—”
“Let them come for me,” he shouts louder, face reddening with the passion of a child. “My big sister can protect me. My big sisterwillprotect me. Won’t you?”
Then he is sobbing, and I am rushing forward. Benji holds out his arms, reaching for me, and I hoist him into an embrace. Slender arms cling to me with a shocking strength, tattooed fingers balling up the fabric of my tunic, and I am crying, stroking his hair.
“Of course,” I gasp. “Of course I will. I will always protect you.”
“Even when—” He hiccups. “Even after I—”
“Shh, don’t start with that. There is nothing you can do to stop me from caring for you.”
“Why?” he cries.
Why?The same demand I made of Briar. She has taught me so much.
“Because I love you and that will never change.”
“Butwhy?”
“Because you’re you, and I like that person very much. Because you’re my brother, my family. Because—”
He sobs harder and my legs buckle and we sink to the stones stained in my blood. And although it is dark in the hallway and we cannot see the mess, although we cannot look each other in the eye, we cling together with our remaining strength and do not let go.
I can only hope he can forgive me when I return to the king. I hope one day he understands, that Kassandra and Lila and Briar understand so they will not blame themselves. I know what I must do, not because I loathe myself but because I love them more.
But first, the final pieces must slot into place.
Chapter Forty-three
I lace before the intricate irongates of the House of Healing. The vine-covered iron stretches beyond my sight on either side; even the metal cannot seem to contain the deadly botany of the Healing gardens.
A screech whines through the air, the gates scraping outward. I walk into the mist and chill and the smell of vegetation, and plod under an arched, ivy-covered tunnel. The haze rolls out before me, obscuring my boots. The temperature drops. Somewhere overhead, a bird caws.
The murkiness deepens, the ivy above weaving together tighter, thicker, blocking out the sun entirely. The dark unfolds its cold embrace, but I press forward.
Something snags the toe of my boot. I fly forward, arms outstretched into the moist undergrowth. When I scramble for purchase, I sink lower into the dying vegetation.
