Chapter 10
HARM WASstunned and once again wished he had his voice.Over the past few weeks, he had soaked in sign language like a sponge because it gave him a way to express what he wanted.But in a moment like this, he was at a loss because he couldn’t say what he wanted to.So instead of having words, what came out was a frustrated growl, and he snapped his mouth shut again, grinding his teeth.He had asked a simple question out of ignorance and interest, and Derek’s answer had included a nugget of information that warmed his heart.And yet he couldn’t tell Derek that he cared for him too or that he had touched his heart.All he could do was make the sound like an animal.His minimal signing skills had nothing to help him.
And the pad he used sometimes… it seemed wrong to scribble down the way he felt, like it wasn’t good enough or serious enough.What he wanted was to be able tosaywhat he felt and have Derek understand it and feel it the same way that Harm did.
He stilled Derek’s hands, and he turned away from his sandwich making, looking at him with the most beautiful brown eyes.“There’s something you want to tell me?”Harm nodded, determined to get the message through.“And you think it’s important?”Once again he nodded.“You can’t sign it or write it?”
Harm shook his head.That was the frustration.
“Do you want to text it?”Derrek asked, and Harm thought for a second and then nodded.Maybe that was the best way.He pulled out his phone.“Some days are harder than others.I know how to talk, and yet I lost the ability.I can only make grunting sounds or groans.Nothing else will come.I want my voice back so I can say the things I want like I used to.Most days I can get along without it.But sometimes it hurts that I can’t talk any longer because there are so many things I want to say.”He pressed send and went back to texting.“You told me that you cared for me, and I couldn’t say it back.Not that I didn’t want to, because I care for you too.I wanted you to hear it from me the same way I did from you.Right from me, and I couldn’t do that.So this is the best I can do.I care for you too.But it isn’t fair that you have to read it in a text instead of me telling it to you… using my voice, and letting the words come from my heart.”He sent the message and watched Derek’s eyes as he read it.
“But I know this comes from your heart.I can see it in your eyes.Would it be nice to hear?Maybe, but it’s also equally nice to see it, and this way I will have it always.You telling me how you feel in a message just allows me to be able to keep that message and that feeling always.”
Harm understood that, but it wasn’t the same.He wished he could make Derek understand that it felt second best.
“Text me what you want to say,” Derek said softly.
He nodded and returned to his phone, almost afraid to look away from Derek and lose the connection between them.“It just seems to me that I can’t tell you how I feel.I can write it, but it seems off to me.”It was hard for him to get the words right, and that was the issue.Still, he sent the message.“We say all kinds of things, in the heat of the moment, in passion, in anger… they just come out.But I can’t do that.Does that make sense?It all gets bottled up sometimes because there is no way I can get it out like I did before.”This was a lot more than just him being able to tell Derek that he cared for him.It seemed to have tapped into a much deeper frustration.
“I understand that.I really do,” Derek told him.“Anyone who is communicationally challenged in any way has felt the same way.I know Suzanne has.She lives a good life in Rochester.But outside of the deaf community, there are often few people who sign.When she comes to visit, I have to be with her because otherwise she can find herself cut off from everyone.And I don’t have an answer for you.Because there really isn’t one.Though I wish there was.”
“I suppose you’re right.”Harm went back to texting.“But it doesn’t lessen the frustration.”
“I know it doesn’t.But as you sign more, you’ll be able to express yourself more to me and those in your life who sign.I know it’s not the same, but it’s something.I know you understand that your voice isn’t coming back.Maybe if you had been born without the ability to speak it would be easier now.But to have something and then lose it has to be one of the hardest things a person can go through.”Derek met his gaze.“I’ll try to help you as much as I can.”
“I know that.”He sent the message.
“But if you need more help, then don’t be afraid to ask for it.You made a huge sacrifice for all of us, and they should be able to get you any help you think you might need.”
“I’m not crazy,” Harm sent.
Derek rolled his eyes.“I didn’t say that.They have resources available to you that might be able to help with a lot of what you’re going through.All I’m saying is, find out what’s available.I’ll do whatever I can to help and support you, but maybe they can do more.Having a therapist doesn’t mean you’re crazy.It just means someone who knows what they’re doing can be there to help you work through things.”Derek set his phone aside and hugged him tightly.“I just want you to be happy.”
Harm still had his phone and used it to type a quick note.Then he set it aside.He hadn’t meant for things to get so serious, and yet they had really quickly.Maybe Derek was right and he should look into professional help.He was doing what he could to help himself, but possibly there was more that could be done.
He closed his arms around Derek and let himself enjoy the closeness and the fact that they had in fact declared feelings for each other.Neither of them had used the word, probably because it was safer not to.They had known each other only a few weeks, and maybe it was too soon.“You are a kind and sweet man, and what you’re feeling is perfectly right.Don’t let frustration and a longing for what you lost keep you from moving forward.”
Harm met Derek’s gaze when he looked up, and Harm nodded.
“Good.Now let’s have some dinner.I’m starved, and you have to be hungry.”He slipped out of his arms and finished making their sandwiches.Then he took the plates to the table along with the fruit.“This seems more like a summer meal than one for November.I hope it’s okay.”
Of course it was.Harm had never been one for fancy food.In the Army he had existed for months on MREs and the most basic of food, so a simple meal made with care was special, no matter what was served.He sat down and ate with a smile, the bread a little crispy, the salty crunch of the bacon, the lettuce, and then the sweetness of the tomato, all combining into a yummy mouthful.
“What sort of things did you eat in the Army?”Derek asked and then giggled.“Sorry, you have your hands full.I suspect lots of creamed chipped beef on toast.”
Harm shrugged and set down his sandwich.“I ate what I was given,” he signed.At least that was what he hoped he said.“Food wasn’t all that important to me then.I was doing my job and I endured.”
“Did you like it?”Derek asked.Harm nodded.He had liked what he was doing, and he had been good at it.That had given him confidence, real confidence, for the first time in his life.After being raised the way he was, there had been so many doubts about if he was good enough.He knew Joe and Larry loved him.But years of worry, changing homes—all of it had taken its toll.The service had given him a real purpose and objectives for the first time, and he liked it.Once it was taken away, he had been adrift, and now he was finally starting to feel less so.
He made the sign for “good”.
“I’m glad.”Derek ate slowly and watched him the entire time.
“I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?You seem all tense.”
This was another of those times.Still, he picked up his phone.“I think I’m expecting things to happen faster than they are.I guess I thought that these struggles to communicate would get easier.”
