If I can keep my loved ones and my realm safe by giving up all the values I’ve held close for years…if I can save the Kingdom of Rivers by putting one of its enemies on its throne…if it’s the only way out, is that a trade worth making?
I sit by the crystal spring, flipping the porcelain shard between my fingers, lost in thought.
16
Àn’ying
Palace of the Aurora, Kingdom of Night
He doesn’t return until an entire day later—but he does send me food. Intricately planned meals on silver trays, appearing in my chamber amidst a bloom of red scorpion lilies. Most important, each tray comes with a silver-black feather: a memory of my family from his shadowcrane.
I wait for these small windows of joy. As I consume my food, I cherish the glimpses of Méi’zi and Ma’s whereabouts as they settle into the Western Province. Some part of me wonders—knows—there is a purpose to these tributes; a form of bribery, a reminder that things could be good.
Help me save your realm from the Kingdom of Night.
Slowly, as I savor bright, sunlit images of my loved ones, I formulate a plan.
When Yù’chén arrives next, I’m ready.
As always, he steps out of the shadows like a houseguestcrossing through an invisible door. He looks immaculate in that same black robe swirling with dragons stitched of stars.
This time, I’m on my feet as soon as he enters.
Yù’chén takes in my proper appearance. I’m dressed—his servants have sent outfits, tailored perfectly to fit me by the magic of this realm—and I’ve bathed. My hair falls loose and straight over my back. The gown I’ve chosen is a silver one, a simple yet elegant sheath that allows for easy movement.
His eyes linger over my outfit for a heartbeat before he says, “Miss me?”
He smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Thank you,” I say, approaching him, “for the food. And…the feathers.”
Yù’chén raises an eyebrow. I notice he looks paler tonight; there are bags under his eyes. His gaze doesn’t spark or tease the way it normally does.
“Where were you?” I ask.
He turns and flops onto a lacquered futon. Exhales as he brushes his fingers over his face and massages his forehead. “Nowhere important.”
“I should know, if I’m to consider the terms of your bargain.”
At those words, he falls very still.
I’ve thought about it—or, rather, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. At first, the possibility was overshadowed by the pain of losing Hào’yáng. Of knowing that considering this means, in some way, acknowledging that he’s truly, irrevocably gone.
But sitting there in the dark, with memories and enough grief to drown me, I found the answer in my boy in the jade, as I so often have in the past. I recalled a memory that Meadowsweetshowed me in the moments before his death—the one of Hào’yáng, still a boy, being chastised for choosing to save me from drowning in that pond so many winters ago.
Love, family, friendship…you must shed everything in pursuit of your duty to your realm, to your people, and to your kingdom.My birth mother’s words to him rang in my mind.You would exist not for yourself but as a vessel to serve the Kingdom of Rivers. Can you understand that?
It was Hào’yáng’s response that changed my mind.I can, he said,but, Lady, it hurts.
The pain of having lost Hào’yáng would always be there. But I could choose to let it drown me—or I could choose to rise above it and serve my realm in a different way. I would be giving up everything I’ve held dear in this life for a chance to save all that I loved.
I closed my eyes and imagined Hào’yáng there by my side.It is fruitless to live in the shadows of the dead, Àn’ying, he told me through his golden characters in the jade in the first days after my father died.Look to life and do all that you can to make it better.
Even if Hào’yáng is gone, he is, in so many ways, still with me. A part of me.
Nothing can change that.
I straighten now, hands clasped together, and I round the futon to face Yù’chén. He’s slumped back with a hand draped dramatically over his face, yet as I approach, his gaze slides to me through the cracks between his fingers.
