“Brennan thought I was fragile? Because I flirted with him?” I scoff. “I only flirted with him because I thought that’s what he wanted. He gave me the impression he was interested in me first, not the other way around.”
“Of course he was interested in you. Brennan is a guy who values charity and giving back. So when he saw you dedicating your time to the town’s beautification initiative and putting in hard work, he was drawn to you. Don’t you get it?” Gavin says, still frustrated with me but no longer angry. “Because of your silly little catchphrase, you’re so conditioned to think that dumbing yourself down will make you more popular. You can’t see what respect looks like when it’s staring you in the face. Brennan was being nice to you because he respects you.”
“For the last time, the catchphrase isn’t silly, and neither am I!” When is he going to get it through his head that it’s not that deep? It’s just a catchphrase, a couple of harmless words. And yeah, it pokes fun at me, but what Gavin doesn’t seem to understand is that I was going to be laughed at no matter what. At least this way, I get something out of it—I’m making money and finding a way to support myself.
“You have no idea what it’s like to be me. The intense scrutiny that women have is a thousand times more than what you and Dad and other men in the industry have to deal with. We have to be pretty, but we can’t think we’re pretty, or else we’re self-obsessed. We have to be fashionable and wear clothes that accentuate our bodies, but we can’t reveal too much, or else we’re slut-shamed. And we have to be smart but not too smart, or else we’re boring,” I say. “The truthis, the media is more forgiving to men than to women. By using my catchphrase to my advantage, I’m just trying to be smart about it.”
“Enough with the TED Talk, Elena.” He sighs, exasperated. “Look, I get that society likes women who downplay their intelligence. And at first I knew it was an act. But at some point, you started to believe it. Because I can see the way you treat people. They’re nothing but numbers or statistics. Some kind of metric that can measure your worth.”
“That’s not true! I have lots of friends—”
“Oh, really?” He points to the media outside our window. “Is that how a friend treats you?”
“That’s one person.”
“Oh yeah? Who else has stuck by your side during this time?”
“It’s summer, Gavin. Everyone’s busy.”
“Too busy to pick up a phone and call?”
Gavin isn’t saying anything I didn’t already know. But putting voice to it is like forcing me to stare at my reflection in the mirror. And I don’t like what I see. Not at all.
“But once we get back to LA and I get my brand manager to fix all of this for me—”
“Then what?” Gavin says. “You’ll have friends who will call you? Fans who will follow your every move? All of them will be there until your next downfall. What kind of a life is that?” He lets out an incredulous sound. “Face it, El. There’s nothing to go back to. Your day in the sun is done. You’re like a one-hit wonder—all vibes, no substance.”
The more Gavin talks, the less certain I am about the life I so desperately wanted to go back to. I feel the ground slipping from under me.
“As much as you think you were gaming the system with thecatchphrase, somewhere along the way, you bought into it. Because your self-worth is now tied to the public opinion of you. That’s exactly why you told Callie. Because if you don’t get all the attention, then no one can.”
“No, that’s not true,” I protest. As much as I want to believe I’m not capable of being so deceitful, I can hear the insecurity in my tone.
“Name one thing you did for anyone here that wasn’t selfishly motivated,” he challenges me.
It isn’t until Gavin points it out that I begin to question my own motives. At the farmer’s market, I tried to make money to hire Kiki back, and at the convenience store, I tried to spend more time flirting with Brennan. Does that mean Gavin is right? Is everything I do selfishly motivated?
Gavin takes my silence as admission. “You made it so clear that this was temporary. That once we got out of here, you’d leave, and this was just a means to get you what you needed. You think being selfless means doing things for others. But true selflessness is doing things for others even if they come at the cost of something you want.”
As much as I want to argue, I can’t. Gavin’s right. How could he know that I cared about him—about Mom, Dad, and everyone else in Blaire—if my goal was to leave as soon as I could?
By this point I’ve run out of excuses and am left with nothing but the truth. It wasn’t all for my own selfish needs, but I admit it was a selfish way to fill that void. I hurt so many people along the way. Now I can see that the only thing I succeeded in when I turned theVoguearticle into my catchphrase was reinforcing what everyone thought about me: That I don’t know what I’m talking about. That I’m clueless. That I’m a joke.
Excerpt
“Keep your focus on the step ahead of you. That’s how you become a leader in the industry.”
The American Dream Achieved: The Story of Dale Ok, Founder of It’s Ok!
Transcript
60 MinutesInterview with Gloria Ok
Gloria:We haven’t been back to Anbandegi since we moved out of there. I heard it’s famous now for stargazing, since the elevation and remote location give you one of the best views.
Interviewer:I think I read that it’s become better known after a K-drama was filmed there.
Gloria:Yes, that’s right. I was surprised to see my hometown in a K-drama.
