Everything she said made complete sense and I resonated with it all one hundred percent. I just couldn’t help the fact that my brother’s choices and or decisions weighed heavily on my mind. They probably always would because even though I was out of the streets he was still in them heavy.
Chapter Eighteen
Luna
The second I walked out of the airport there he was. I literally left my sister and daughter standing at the doorway and ran into his arms. With my arms around his neck and legs wrapped around his waist I felt so comfortable. We had been talking nonstop since that day I texted him and there was an energy that I’ve never experienced with him. Being back here with him was different because I felt like I had done some type of groundwork. I felt bare in his arms and his ability to make me feel protected at the same time was uncanny. Knoxx had always made me feel that way, but I fought it because I saw it as a distraction. As a matter of fact I saw him as a distraction, but in the weeks that we had been actually communicating the floodgates opened. I felt him, and not just the physical him.
“Well, this wasn’t how I expected to meetmy sister’s beau.” Rue’s voice interrupted our very embarrassing display of affection. Before I left, Rue had convinced my father to allow her to move here with me. I don’t know what made him or my mother agree, but they did and she was packed before the plane ticket was booked. Before I left the estate I told myself that I wasdone fighting the demons of my past and carrying my past into my future. It was necessary if I wanted to move on with my life.
“I’m sorry. Rue, this is Knoxx. Baby, this is my little sister.” I smiled introducing the two. It felt odd to have such a strong emotion toward Knoxx and be introducing him to my sister. Especially because the last man I introduced to my family was a fraud. Hell, the last man I felt any emotion toward was nothing that I thought he was. He was a plant, somebody planted in my family to see us all behind bars. Knoxx wasn’t like that, he cared about me for real even though I was difficult and slow to come.Over the last few weeks we had been communicating and opening up to one another via FaceTime and regular phone calls. It was nice to just talk, to know things about him and allow him to know things about me too. It was nice to feel close to someone.
“Nod!” My daughter’s squeak made me look down as she rushed Knoxx’s legs.
Of course he leaned down and picked her up. She hugged his neck, before focusing back on me. From the few times he’s been to my house she had become attached to him and I hated it. I hated it because I never wanted her to become attached to fixtures that I didn’t think would be permanent fixtures in my life. Of course that was me overthinking and putting my problems onto my toddler. When I was home I realized that I was unknowingly projecting my experiences and trust issues onto her. That was unfair and she didn’t deserve that. She deserved to form her own bonds with people without my trust issues getting in the way. Everyone wasn’t her father. Knoxx wasn’t her father. Shit, I had to remind myself that too. I needed to let go of my past if I wanted anything in the future to matter. That meant I had to forgive myself for robbing my baby of a father. I as well had to forgive my parents because they were human just as I was. Forgiveness didn’t mean reentry,but it meant that I was no longer carrying around the things that weighed me down. Forgiveness also wasn’t instantaneous; it took time and a person willing to do the soul searching to accept it. I found myself at a point in my life where I either had to forgive or continue to go through the same viciouscycle of grief and anger.
“What are you over there obsessing about, shorty?”
“Nothing really. Obsessing over what it really means to forgive.”
He nodded his head. “Forgiveness means different things for all of us. It affects us all differently.”
“I killed my daughter's father.” I looked over at him, attempting to gauge his reaction, but he didn't have one. He just peered at me, leaving space for me to continue talking.
“I thought I had met my person, planned a life for us and everything. Then I found out that he was a fed who was placed in our lives to take down my family. Then around the same time, my family found out as well. Somehow, my family found a way to blame me, even though I wasn't the one who brought him in. Somehow, it was my fault. They shut me out without even hearing me out.” I didn't expect to become so emotional as I spoke, but his hand on my thigh made me feel comfortable to bare everything. It was like he cared enough to let me finally lay this down and stop carrying it.
“I made a choice to get rid of the snake, but as well to walk away from the people I once felt enamored by. I refuse to ask for forgiveness, or even give them the satisfaction of needing them. Once I left, I never looked back. I created a life here while word got back to them what I had done. Of course they wanted me to come home, but I refused. Not after how they treated me. For a while, I was good here, but then their problems found me here. That's why I had to go back. While I was there, I was faced with whether I would continue to carry the demons given to me bythem, or I would let them go and just forgive, but never forget what I went through. I chose to forgive.”
He nodded his head.
“It feels like everything that happened took place over a lifetime ago, but I guess forgiveness forces you to acknowledge all of the emotions you once hid from.”
“And what about now? How do you feel?”
“Like I said nothing can make me forget what happened, but I realized that I find more peace in letting all of it go.”
He didn’t speak. Instead he leaned forward and seized hold of my lips.
“So, you see I’m very fragile and hella compli?—”
“We all have something that we’re battling, and that’s okay as long as we don’t allow that battle to consume us.You deserve to be happy and if you’ll finally let me, I'll make sure you’re just that.”
I just looked at him, allowing his words to resonate with me before I agreed. “Yes.”
“And that’s on me.”
This was the beginning of something beautiful with him. The beginning of a new journey.
Knoxx
When I picked Luna ‘nem up from the airport yesterday we stopped and got something to eat before going to her crib. I was only about to drop them off, but Luna shocked the shit out of a nigga when she asked me to stay. Shorty was serious when she said she wanted to see where this went with her and I. Now here I was all chilled out and ready to fall asleep.
“You stopped seeing old girl?” Luna walked in the room from putting her daughter to sleep.
“Yeah. Why do you ask?”
“Because you haven’t said anything about it.”
“You tryna beef with me, shorty?” I asked as she walked up on me sitting on her sofa.
