Surah
This week dragged and nothing about it was appealing. If anything, I felt like it was a fight to get out of my bed and an even bigger battle to get through my days. I knew what was wrong with me, but instead of acknowledging what I was suffering from, I tried to ignore it. I partied, I went out and I drank in an attempt to ignore the obvious. I didn’t know that you could get physically sick when you missed a person. Never aloud would I admit to missing Namari, but inside of me I lived with the feeling and hated that we weren’t speaking. I’d seen him in passing a few times, but I was too chicken shit to approach him and he had definitely been busying his time with others. Instead of dwelling I always kept it moving, but damn it was like that. I know I walked away from him, but usually when a woman walked away she expected to be chased. He didn’t chase me, he went about his day, and that hurt the most. I’ve been avoiding my feelings for years now, so I knew that at some point they’d surface. It wasinevitable, but what I didn’t expect was for them to come out like this. I felt physically ill most days because I really felt like my fucking heart was broken. The few times I’d seen him he looked fine like nothing ever happened and that alone enraged me. Before anything between us became physical we were building this kind of friendship that I thought meant something, but I see it didn’t. It seems like for him it was about only the sex and I didn’t know how to take that. I didn’t know how to feel about that, because I had never felt a nigga the way I felt him.
“I’ma just let it go.” I looked up from the candle to Ommy.
She had this sympathetic expression on her face. “You sure?”
“I mean I have to. He’s fine, so I have to be fine. I’m obsessing about something that was never anything right?”
“Maybe not. The two of you need to talk. A person can seem one way and be a totally different way on the inside. I mean look at you.” She stamped the sale sign on the candle.
“You didn’t see him, he wa?—”
The sound of the door opening made me look up from the candle I was holding. “Good morning Ommy and Surah.” My eyes landed on Niema walking through the door and the devil walking in right behind her. Well no he wasn’t the devil, but I found it mighty odd that he had appeared while we were discussing him. Now that had to be trickery.
“Hey, Ema and good morning to you too Namari.” Omyia greeted an obviously stuck Namari. This had to be the scene out of one of those movies with the sappy ass ending.
He stared at me for a while, before finally looking toward Ommy. “My bad, Ommy. I came in here to get a few more scents for the crib.”
I expected him to stop where Omyia was, but he didn’t. Instead, he kept on walking until he reached the space I was in. Then he stood in front of me for a while almost like he waswaiting for me to speak. I didn’t though, instead I focused on labeling the candle in my hand.
When I didn’t acknowledge him, he sighed deeply. “This where we at?”
“Been there.”
He laughed. It wasn’t a joking laugh, but more of an annoyed chortle. “Come talk to me right quick.”
“I’m busy.”
“You ain’t fucking busy. You've been holding the same candle since I walked in this store. Now come on before I snatch your ass up outta here.” Then with all that authority in his chest he turned and walked toward the back office like he knew his way around.
Seconds later Niema emerged from the back ready for some direction from Ommy.
I looked in Omyia ’s direction and she had the biggest smirk on her face.
“You better go see what that man wants.” She chuckled before she walked toward the front of the store to meet Niema. “Don’t be fucking in my office either.” She tried to say that last part low.
“Ewww.” Of course Niema caught the last part of Omyia’s statement.
“Don’t listen to her, Niema.”
Niema still had a disgusted expression.
After I felt like I made him wait long enough, I went to the back. When I stepped back there he was leaning against the desk just looking at me. “We got beef, wife?”
“Nope and I’m not your wife.” For the first time ever I corrected him.
“You are what I say you are to me.”
I laughed angrily. “What game are you playing, Namari?”
“I could say the same fucking thing to you. Fuck you doing hanging out with Raqu?” He stepped into my face.
“Why not? He’s not my man and neither are you.”
Now it was his turn to laugh angrily. “So, you don’t want me?”
I looked up into his eyes and saw something different. His eyes housed what I’d been feeling. In that moment I realized that I wasn’t the only one of us carrying my heart in my back pocket. “Of course I want you, but I’m not willing to walk around in denial like I don’t know who you are.”
