I wipe it away with my thumb.
The work meeting was tiresome, and there’s a possibility I might have to head to San Diego for some medical studies they do on SEALs every so often. San Diego is still the main base that houses the bulk of our specialized facilities. It would just be for a week or so, but the thought of leaving Magnolia makes me uneasy. It’s foreign. The attachment—this tug on my heart that’s never been there before.
“You’ve been busy lately, man,” Mercer drawls from an old leather chair in our rec room at work. There is a bar in here, and we eat lunch here some days. Photos of our brothers killed in action line the walls, and awards and news articles of our accomplishments are tacked on the wall with haphazard care. It’s a man cave to the extreme. It smells a little like sweat and gunpowder. Someone is cleaning a gun on the counter behind me.
Tahoe walks in and slinks into a chair next to me. “He’s got a lady now. My, how things change, am I right?”
I hate that he’s right. Hate the years I spent naysaying, calling coupled dudes pussies. Quite the opposite is actually factual. Being in a relationship takes fucking balls. Huge ones. More nerve than is required to steal a life. It takes diligence. Persistence. Patience. Work. “You were right,” I say, taking a sip of keg beer. “You heading to medical tomorrow too? I’m trying to get out of it.”
“Yeah, I’ll head over there. My back’s been hurting,” he says, rubbing his lower back. “Should have the specialists check that over.” The sleek black boats we ride are torture on our bodies. We don’t sit on them. We stand. And our spines take a beating as we speed on the wake. Most of the SEALs have some sort of lingering pain due to the trauma of our training. Hearing loss is common. So is back and neck pain. “You can’t get out of it, dude. Might as well do it now.”
“I know. I was just settling into small-town life. Heading back there won’t be good for the mind, you know?” That’s where all of my mistakes are buried. The women who I passed my time with. The failed relationship. The atmosphere that fostered a person I’ve walked away from.
Tahoe chuckles. “It will be different. Feel different. Plus, it’s just for a week. Even Aidan Mixx can stay out of trouble for a week.”
“I can,” I affirm. Then I ask him about his life and listen to him talk about his family. I leave the conversation feeling a resolve—an unwavering commitment to the decision I’ve made about my future with Magnolia. It’s a huge step, one I never in a million years thought I’d want to take. It’s because I never met her. Never knew something this strong could exist.
I visit Magnolia at her store on my way home from work, and she locks the doors, and we ravage each other on a bare mattress upstairs twice before I finally leave for home. When I stopped in, it was to just say hello, and I told her as much, but I think that it stoked the flame even more because she jumped on me almost immediately. She wasn’t happy when I told her I had to go to San Diego for a week, but she understood. Quality time with Kendall would never be a bad thing, she said, and there were a ton of activities going on at her high school that Magnolia could attend and help out with.
Just because she’s okay with it doesn’t mean I’m okay with leaving her. My apartment is silent and dark when I come in and throw my keys on the table—the blankets from our sleepover still on the floor. I slept there last night, too. It smells like her. It’s safe. I shower and I’m about to turn on the television when I catch sight of a note on the countertop. It’s written in Magnolia’s girly script. It’s an address. Somehow, and I’m not sure why, maybe it’s my SEAL intuition, I know it’s my parents’ address. It didn’t take her long to figure this one out.
Even though she has my best interests at heart, I’ll never be able to face them again. My parents are near San Diego. Where I’ll be for an entire week. They must have moved there recently. I wonder why they went there. It couldn’t possibly be because that’s where I was, so what was the reason? The address gives me enough to contemplate and to fill my brain with. I text Magnolia to tell her good night but make no mention of her note. I fall asleep in our love cocoon dreaming of the SoCal skyline. The dream swiftly morphs to fucking Magnolia against a wall. Her whispering that she loves me.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about?”
Kendall is furious, standing in front of me in the kitchen. I came to say goodbye to Magnolia before I boarded the plane for San Diego. When I saw her busy in the garage, I decided to meander into the house for a drink of water. Obviously, a huge fucking mistake. Huge.
“He told me you are a player. That you’re just using my mom. He told me you’re going to leave her because she’s too old. All you SEALs like them young,” Kendall says, face tear-stained.
I hold up my palms. “Who said this?”
“That doesn’t matter! It’s true, isn’t it?”
“It’s not true. I’ve told you this before! Who told you that?” The panic sets in. I’m not equipped for this scenario. I have no idea what to say to calm a teenage girl. When Kendall first confronted me about this, I assumed it was town gossip. It’s evident now that’s not the case. “I love your mom.”
“Bullshit. You’re using her to get to me.”
I swallow hard. Her father. The younger woman he had an affair with. Kendall is projecting her fears onto me. That’s the only explanation. “Kendall, calm down. That’s not true at all.”
“I’m off-limits, so you’re getting to me through her. That’s what Leo said.”
Anger. Seething red anger beats at my rib cage like an animal seeking freedom. “Leo told you that? What else did he say?” I’m going to kill the kid. Slaughter him like a goddamn enemy on the battlefield. He’s miserable, and he’s taking everyone down with him. The guy is a motherfucking grenade.
“I can assure you everything he said is false. Did he touch you?” Another breed of fury rears when I envision Leo doing anything untoward to Kendall. “Be honest with me.”
Kendall looks away, out the window. “Don’t do that,” she yells.
“What?” I ask, my tone louder than I intended.
Her face wilts. “Pretend that you care about me.” My heart breaks.
“I do care about you. I love you and your mother. This is it for me, kid.”
She aims a finger at me like a gun. “You’re such a liar. Like all men. Every one of you! All you do is lie!”
It takes a second or two for her accusation to settle in. For the horror and shock to take hold. I don’t say anything.
“You want me.”
