When I pull away from the kiss, her eyes look glazed over. She’s turned on, and my pulse ratchets up in response. I keep my hand on her face and say, “Burgers are ready, but more importantly, you are so fucking beautiful.”
She swallows hard. “You’re making me blush.”
“You’re making me crazy,” I counter, grinning.
“I’ve missed you,” she says, keeping her voice low. She senses all of the eyes and ears on us. “Maybe we can get out of here after we eat?” she says. “I only have a couple hours. Kendall is at a fundraiser meeting at the high school. I need to pick her up in a bit.”
I nod. I get it now. Why Tahoe and Leif aren’t here. How the world shifts, tilts, in favor of the person who grants you the most happiness. “Let’s eat, my place after.”
Magnolia comments on how good the cheeseburger is, and I mentally pat myself on the back for my choice in condiments. She asks me questions about the guys in between bites, but we put the burgers and beer down in record time.
“Now is the time when we either pop smoke or start telling everyone goodbye,” Magnolia says. “Creep out, or make a show of it? I want them to like me, so maybe we say bye.” She tosses the options back and forth in her mind, and I see her balancing the pros and cons of each. When her gaze lights on mine, she knows what I’m thinking, and that makes her decision easy.
“We can go up the dock on the other side. There aren’t torches over there, so it will be dark. You up for an adventure?” I say, nuzzling her ear with my nose. She leans into my face, and I kiss her neck. Her lavender perfume mixed with sweat. It might as well be toxic. My mouth waters.
“I’ll never say no to adventure,” she counters. “Especially with you.”
After I toss our garbage in the big can, I return to Magnolia and grab her hand. When we’re far enough away, and the blackness takes over our sight, I pull her up onto my back. She giggles and tightens her grip around my neck.
The waves roll against the shore softly—a lulling sound as opposed to the angry Pacific Ocean break. The moon lights the way as I listen to Magnolia breathe gently by my ear. It’s a peace I am not used to knowing. Sure, there are moments of still silence, moments I reflect about how far I’ve come, but peace hasn’t ever been mine. There’s always, in some form or another, a shouting of protest—a war of unease that beats at my chest, a wrongly accused prisoner begging to be set free.
The light post beckons our arrival, but I need to tell Magnolia I want to stay out here in the blackness, with her heartbeat, a little longer. Feel this unknown peace, taste it, familiarize myself with it. “It’s such a nice night,” Magnolia whispers into my ear. “Do you see the moon?”
My heart stops beating for a moment, and she feels it, too. She must. I let her slide off my back and bring her back against my front as we sit in the sand. A contented sigh escapes her lips, and I do my best to rein in my emotions. “It’s almost a full moon,” I reply. “There is a tiny sliver missing.”
“I don’t know,” Magnolia returns. “It looks full to me.”
She doesn’t know what she’s stirring, what she’s fixing, or how she’s forming a person who has never really existed before this very moment.
“Get your ass off the bed, you weak little fucker,” he roars.
I cover my ears because it hurts me. The words and the tone. My stomach hurts as I scramble off the bed in a sleepy haze and retreat under the wooden table in the corner of my bedroom. It’s the furthest point from my bedroom door, where he’s standing in blackness.
“So-so-sorry, Daddy,” I stammer, wrapping my arms around my knees, the cold wall stinging my bare skin. He fell asleep, and my back was hurting while I slept on the floor. I thought I could sneak into the bed without him knowing. I’d be back on the floor before he woke in the morning. The trick has worked in the past. “I’m sorry. I’ll stay here. Please.”
I plead with him even though I know he’s going to beat me. It will only hurt for a few hours, and I’ll try not to make the same mistake again. It’s hard to remember what he doesn’t like me to do. There are so many things. Mommy is already sleeping. She sleeps a lot. Most of the day and all night long. I get to see her after school on occasion. Sometimes she’ll even smile at me and pat my head. She kissed my cheek on my birthday last year, maybe she’ll kiss me again soon.
Daddy beats me, pulls my pants down, and uses the thick, black belt. He misses my behind, and the crack stings my back. I think of her kiss, though. It keeps me from crying. Daddy doesn’t like tears either. “Tears are weak,” he says. Sleeping in beds makes me weak. I need to be a man. A strong man. He leaves the bed in my room as a temptation, he says. So I can control myself and make the right choices. I want to be a strong man. A big man. I want Mommy’s kisses. I sleep on the floor.
A tear sneaks out when the lash hits my side instead of my back. It hurts the worst when he misses and gets the tender skin. The teardrop hits the tile floor, and I close my eyes so no more tears will come out. Daddy will be mad. Tears are for girls. For people who can’t control their emotions. Mommy never comes in. I think that’s why Daddy is so mad. I don’t wanthim to hit her, though. I’d rather he hit me because I can handle it. She can’t. She’s too tired. I’m a man.
He screams at me now that he’s finished with the belt. I can tell when he’s done because he’s out of breath and his arm shakes. “You are a pathetic excuse for a son. Do you hear me? You are a weak son of a bitch who will never be a fucking man. I’ll never be able to make you a fucking man if you don’t obey me, you little fuck. Do you understand me, Aidan? I’m doing this to make you a better man.”
I stand, but my legs are shaky, and my skin feels like fire. “Yes, sir,” I say, keeping my voice loud and proud, like a strong man. “It won’t happen again.”
“You say that, and yet it does. Time and again. Can you not handle the temptation? Are you that weak?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“Answer me verbally, you little pussy.”
“No, sir,” I say, getting angry with myself for forgetting. Again. Maybe I’ll never be a strong man. I can’t remember. I close my eyes and tick through all of the things that will make me a man. I want my mommy’s kiss. I can’t stop thinking about it.
“Lie down,” he yells. I flinch but pretend it is part of the motion of hitting the floor. I tuck my head on my hands and slam my eyes shut. Daddy leaves, but he’s still here. All over my skin. I sniffle once, and tears leak out onto the tile—my tile bed.
Mommy.
Mommy.
