You looked so different, you looked happy. And I hope you are. I hope you can be as happy as I am with Adrian. Who’d’ve thought you’d be part of the oyster-farming community, what with your fear of water? But then you were always able to take on whatever life threw at you. It was one of the things I admired about you.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry some more. Brian admired something about me. I never knew. I suppose that’s why we were able to live side by side for so long, hiding behind each other.
I’m so sorry I didn’t have the guts to end things sooner and that I let things go as far as they did. Believe me, I never meant to hurt you. It must have looked like a really cowardly thing to do, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I could’ve carried on being your husband but neither of us would ever have really been happy. One of us had to be brave, for us both to find happiness. I want you to be happy, Fi.
We were just kidding ourselves because we were too scared to go out and start living. You only get one life, go out and live it.
I’ve enclosed the marriage annulment. This gives you a fresh start, one where you can be yourself and not just bethere for me to hide behind. You have so much to offer the world, but you need to be you. Just like inDirty Dancing, ‘No one puts Baby in the corner’, well, no one should put Fiona in the corner; go and dance your own tune.
My love, gratitude, and friendship, always, Brian. xx
Tears are rolling down my face, but I don’t feel distraught. My husband finally tells me our life together is over and I’m elated. I mean, his timing was crap. Shame he couldn’t have actually realised this before we got to the altar, but then Brian never was one for being impetuous. And as a first attempt, it was better late than never. He did it for both of us.
I smile. I feel I can do anything I want to. Sean may have decided to stay with Nancy, choosing his head over his heart, but this isn’t just about Sean. This is about me and the people and the place I’ve come to love.
I pull out the paperwork Brian has sent me and sign my name where he’s marked with a cross. Fiona Clutterbuck, I write with a flourish. Not Fiona Goodchild, not Fiona English, but Fiona Clutterbuck. It feels good to be me at last.
Nothing to forgive. Thank you, x, I write at the bottom and push the paperwork into the pre-paid envelope and seal it.
Brian’s right. I have to be my own person; not one that runs every time the going gets tough. I can’t be scared any more. I have to find my own place in the world and right now … that’s back in Dooleybridge, with or without Sean.
Now all I have to do is find a post box on my way out of here. I march up to the desk just as they’re announcing that my flight has been cancelled due to bad weather. I’m Fiona Clutterbuck, I can do what the hell I want, and right now, I have a festival to rescue.
Chapter Forty-four
It’s a scene of utter devastation as I stand at the entrance to the marquee. Outside the sun may be starting to shine, but inside it’s like a paddy field. You can’t see the coir matting that Nancy wanted, and the chairs have been knocked over, their big purple chiffon ribbons soaked in dirty water. I feel totally wretched.
‘You came back!’ Margaret shrieks.
I swing round and beam too, opening my arms to hug her.
‘I knew you would,’ she says, and she puts down her bucket and mop and hugs me tightly.
‘How could I not?’ I say, pulling away and looking round at the mess.
‘Came out of nowhere.’ Dan’s standing behind Margaret. ‘So how come you’re not in Boston?’ He looks a bit peeved, and I can’t really blame him; that’s twice I’ve let him down about this job.
‘Slight change of plan. Thought I might be needed here,’ I say truthfully.
‘What are we going to do?’ Margaret wails and puts her head into Dan’s chest.
‘Well …’ I do have one idea but I’m not sure I can make it happen. Dan and Margaret are looking at me but the words won’t come out, and at that moment Sean comes in carrying a tool kit. My stomach flips over and back again, like a gymnast doing flick-flacks across the floor.
‘Well, that’s the drain unblocked but I’m not sure whatwe’re going to do about this …’ He stops in his tracks. ‘Fi!’ I could be mistaken but I’m sure his face suddenly brightens. Even my eyeballs are hot from blushing. But being around Sean is something I’m going to have to get used to if I’m staying here.
‘Hello, Sean. How was the party?’ No point dancing round the subject.
‘Illuminating,’ he says. There’s an uncomfortable silence. Dan and Margaret look at each other. I don’t want to hear any more; I don’t need a blow-by-blow account of how spectacular it was.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, but I know Nancy must’ve sent him. Why else would he be helping out?
‘Let’s just say, someone made me realise that I needed to get a bit more involved with … all of this.’
‘In that case,’ I cut Sean off before I lose my nerve, ‘you could do worse than getting really involved.’
He frowns and gives me a look that says he might not like what I’m about to say.
‘Go on,’ he tilts his head like he always does when he’s listening, and stares right at me as if he can read my thoughts.
