I turn from the sink, clutching my neck, which is still locked into a slightly tilted position. ‘I’ll go and check outside.’ I want to get out of there. Nancy’s saying nothing, but I can feel her looking at me as I pass. Her arms are folded, her bright red painted fingernails, vibrant against the black of her smart fitted dress, are tapping.
Then Grace gives out another round ofwhoooof,whoooooofs. Sean sticks his head out of the bathroom door. ‘Who’s that?’ He cranes his neck to look down the lane.
‘Just thought I’d come by to wish you luck before the inspector got here. Looks like I’m too late.’ Nancy raises an eyebrow.
‘What?’ Sean and I say together.
‘Looks like the inspector.’ Nancy nods her head towards the drive.
‘It can’t be, he’s not due until …’ Sean looks up at the clock above the stove.
‘Shit!’ we say together.
Sean’s pulling on his wellies and I grab my hat and waterproof coat.
‘Oh, and by the way,’ Nancy adds, ‘I saw two donkeys making their way across the drive just as I was pulling in.’
‘You get the donkeys, I’ll see the inspector.’ Sean flings open the door just as a short, fat man wearing an ill-fitting suit and wellies and carrying a clipboard gets out of his little white van. Grace is barking at him and he tries shooing her away with his clipboard, making her bark even more. Sean runs over to him and puts his hand on Grace’s head. The man holds his clipboard in front of him like a shield.
‘I’ll do the water’s edge, you do the lane,’ I tell Nancy as I go to run outside. But Nancy doesn’t move. I turn back.
‘Nancy?’
‘Uh?’ She looks as if I’ve asked her to fly to the moon.
‘The donkeys. We need to find them.’
‘Oh, I’m not really a donkey person.’ She waves her painted nails in my direction.
‘This is Sean’s inspection,’ I say slowly but with a growing disbelief. ‘We need to do this … now.’ I surprise myself.
She stares as if she’s about to challenge me.
I stare right back, feeling fury surging up inside me. ‘Sean loves this place,’ I hiss.
‘And maybe you love Sean.’ Her eyes darken. She turns her mouth down at the corners in disgust. I’m so enraged I can’t speak. Instead I storm off, cheeks burning with indignation, in search of two runaway donkeys. I’m going to do whatever it takes for Sean to pass today.
The hens start up an almighty row, wanting to be let out of their run and fed. Sean is talking to the inspector, pointing to the boundaries of the farm. He looks nervously over his shoulder at me, then says something to the inspector and politely excuses himself.
He runs over to me and slings his arm around me, pulling meclose and talking quietly into my ear. My body is on high alert, buzzing at his closeness.
‘Any sign of them?’
I shake my head tightly.
‘If they go anywhere near the oysters it could cost us the licence.’ Sean is acting nonchalantly but his voice is full of panic.
‘I’ll find them,’ I say, smiling at the inspector, acting as if there’s no problem at all. But we both know there is, a massive one. I can’t believe that this could fail him, after all the hard work we’ve put in.
Just then, two donkeys’ heads appear from behind the shell pile, just by the inspector, heading for the water’s edge.
‘Get them away,’ Sean hisses and gives my shoulder a hard squeeze. I don’t need telling twice. All I have to do now is work out how to get two wayward donkeys back into their field without the usual game of grandmother’s footsteps and without the inspector noticing.
Like a Tom and Jerry cartoon I grab my bucket of pony nuts and creep round the back of the inspector who Sean is showing around. I shake the bucket. The inspector looks round briefly but quickly turns back to his clipboard. The donkeys stand staring at me. I don’t want to chase them as that’ll only make them run right into the path of the inspector. I shake the bucket again. Mercury takes one step forward but Freddie isn’t budging. I throw some nuts down in front of them but it just makes Mercury flinch, turn and take two steps back. I look back at the cottage. Nancy is watching me with an amused look on her face. I put the bucket down low to try and show them what’s in it. Mercury looks interested. I can’t shake it again without attracting attention, so I lie on the floor and start to crawl towards them on the stony ground. Sean is directing the inspector towards the path around the bay. He looks back at me, his face turning to horror, probably imagining allhis hopes and dreams disappearing thanks to my ham-fisted attempt to round up two tame donkeys.
I begin to crawl and the donkeys look as if they’re about to take flight, spooked by the rustling of my coat. I slip out of it and begin moving forwards on my elbows. They settle again. When I left home on my wedding day a month ago, I could never have imagined I would end up lying on the ground, clutching a bucket, underneath two donkeys.
Mercury looks at the bucket suspiciously. I give it a little rattle. He jumps but doesn’t run. Freddie is determined to ignore me. Mercury sniffs at the bucket. I push it further towards him, pulling on my stomach muscles. I can hear Freddie’s hooves. He’s starting to move backwards. If they make a run for it now there’s no way I’m going to be able to stop them. They’ll charge right across in front of the inspector. And I’m not going to let that happen. I push the bucket towards Mercury, who finally sticks his head in and starts to eat. In one swift movement I stand up and sling the lead rope round his neck. Now all I have to do is hope Freddie will follow. I begin to walk towards the field, as if I’ve been out for a morning stroll with my pet donkey. I can’t turn back and look in case the inspector is looking my way. I just have to keep walking and hope that Freddie is following. If he isn’t, all is lost.
