“I don’t want you to be fine. I want you to be happy.”
She softens at that. She doesn’t smile, but her mouth relaxes, and, rather than a frustrated dip at the center of her forehead, it now bunches in concern before her eyes cast downward. An incessant, gnawing ache erupts in my stomach, rippling through my being and becoming caught in my throat as my pulse ticks up.
“Is that what it is, kitten?” I whisper. “I’m not making you happy?”
She turns her head as if she can’t bear to look at me, tearing through the center of my chest, splitting it open. I know my girls are young and playful. I know they have their whole lives ahead of them. I know I may not be their future, but fuck…they’ve started to feel like mine.
I’m not sure I’m ready to face a reality where they aren’t.
“I can’t talk about this here,” she whispers, voice breaking on the words.
She stands, feathering her fingers over her cheeks before she picks up her bag and tosses it over her shoulder. Only now do I realize she’s crying. Only now do I realize I may be losing her.
“Natalia,” I rasp as she walks past me, and the desperation in my voice must come out as raw as I intended, because she pauses. “We need to talk about this. I’m not letting it go.”I’m not letting you go.“Not unless you look me in the face and tell me you’re done with me.”
She peeks over her shoulder, deep brown eyes meeting mine. A slight shake of her head is the only response she offers, but for now, it’s enough.
I nod. “Tonight then. After classes, after practice. I want you in my bed when I get home, and we’re going to talk it out. Okay?”
She studies me for what feels like forever, like she’s marking every feature of mine, like she’s reading a book in a language she doesn’t know.
Finally, she nods back before continuing toward the exit and disappearing from my sight.
***
It’s dark when I slip through the front door hours later, only a faint glow illuminating from the upper landing. Ellie has a study group this evening, and she won’t be home yet, but I’d hoped Nat would be here anyway.
I’m beginning to think it’s far too quiet to expect her as I climb the stairs, but when I reach my bedroom and find her in the center of my king bed, enveloped in my pillows, a book in her lap, I let out a sigh of relief.
Her eyes flutter upward, meeting mine. She’s wearing one of my T-shirts and nothing else, and my cock hardens at the sight of it, my heart hammering in my chest.
Because she’s here. In my bed. In my clothes. I haven’t lost her yet.
“Hi,” she says softly.
The smile that springs to my cheeks is embarrassingly wide, but I can’t help it. “I’m happy you’re here.”
“Me too.” Her tone is timid—so unlike her. “Should we…um, should we wait for Ellie?”
“I don’t know.” I pull off my hoodie and toss it on the floor along with my jeans before getting into bed beside her. I don’t touch her, not like I want to. I also haven’t eaten dinner, and I need a shower, but none of those things feel more important than understanding Nat right now. “You tell me.”
She’s pensive, nibbling on her bottom lip for a moment before finally shaking her head.
“So it’s not Ellie then,” I confirm. “It’s me.”
She sighs. “No, Hudson. Not in the way you’re thinking.”
“Help me understand, kitten.”
She shuffles beneath the blankets, turning to face me. “You know Ellie better. You saw her first.” She picks at nails, eyes locked on her hands. “Am I just…an accessory?”
“No, Nat.” The words rush out of my mouth, full of conviction. Full of pain. “What have I done to ever make you feel that way?”
“Nothing.” She shakes her head. “I think it’s me. I didn’t feel this way before… Not until…not until that day in your office.”
“Because I punished you?” I ask softly. “You know you can always tell me to stop, right? You can always say no.”
“I liked it.” She sits up on her knees, the blankets falling away, revealing miles of smooth, golden skin. “The sex was good.The punishment was good. It was…it was what you said before. About me having a fantasy.”
