I don’t know how to respond. I was being playfulforHudson—or at least, that’s what I told myself. I thought this was something he would enjoy. While his face is all set in hard lines and sharp angles, there is a passion in his gaze that makes methink he did enjoy it. I think he gets off on his friend knowing Hudson comes home to two attractive, younger, forbidden women every day, having a far better sex life than anything Garrett is going to find in the arms of strangers and fans.
Yet, I think there may be some more primitive part of me that wanted it for myself, and not because it’sGarrett Anders. I don’t give a fuck about his success or his money or his status. I’ve always been explorative in the bedroom—with partners and with kinks. I never want to think—subconsciously or otherwise—that I could be unfulfilled by Hudson and Ellie, because the two of them should be more than enough. Emotionally, they are. I’ve never felt more deeply about anyone before, I’ve never felt safer or more seen or loved. But physically…sometimes, I wonder if I wouldn’t mind exploring more.
The deep set of Hudson’s brow and the tilt of his head makes me question if he can read the very thoughts running through my head, and his blue eyes make me wonder if he’s questioning whether he’s enough for me, which breaks my heart. I just had one of the most transcendent climaxes of my entire life, I tried something completely new. This should be more than enough for me. I should be fulfilled in every meaning of the word. The fact that I’m not, that I do think I was chasing something more when I invited the idea of Hudson’s friend seeing us, makes me thinkI’mthe one who’s broken. Who isn’t enough.
Yet, I don’t know how to voice that, so all I can respond with is, “Can we go home?”
Disappointment washes over Hudson’s face, and Ellie looks between us with her own expression of concern. I hate that I can’t give either of them the reassurance they’re looking for.
Hudson nods softly, releasing his grip on Ellie to allow her to lift off him. We redress in silence and leave together after Hudson locks up his office and shuts off the lights. I hold Ellie’s hand as we walk back to their townhouse from campus. I spendalmost every night here, and sometimes, I question why I don’t just live here full time, but nights like tonight make me realize why.
I’m not sure I’m actually part of this dynamic—this relationship. I don’t know if I’m merely just an accessory to something deeper, if my never-ending need formorecan ever be satisfied, and if that’s the reason why.
The tension between us lessens as the night goes on. Hudson makes us dinner, and we laugh together at the dining room table as we eat. I fall asleep hours later between the two of them, but that trepidation in the pit of my stomach never quite disappears.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
HUDSON
The ending notes of “Valerie”echo through the arena as I exit the men’s locker room and begin up the tunnel to the ice. When the music dies, there are a few moments of silence before the next song starts up.
My players have practice later this afternoon, but we just finished our morning film session—I hung back after dismissing them to work on the playbook. I have a little while before I need to be back here for practice, so I planned to head home for lunch, but when I realize Nat’s performance music was playing, I head out to the rink instead, hoping I can catch her.
She’s been a little distant recently, opting to stay at her own house more often than with Ellie and me. She hasn’t had the same interest in spending time with us outside of sex either. Well, at least not with me. I know she and Ellie can be more public about their relationship, and Ellie hasn’t expressed any of the same concerns, so I imagine they’re spending time together outside of the house still.
Even in bed, she’s not the same—not as lively or loud, not demanding what she wants and taking it. She’s been pliant, almost detached.
I worried I may have upset her with my reaction last week after Garrett and I walked in on them, but when we sat down to talk about it, she insisted she was fine. She apologized, stating she didn’t realize it would be so inappropriate, that it wouldn’t happen again. Yet, she remained distant.
I figured she’s been nervous about her upcoming performance at Nationals and has been hyper focused on preparing. I know she’s been spending almost every free moment she can on the ice, and I’ll be in this position in the next few weeks myself if the team continues playing at the caliber they have been.
These high-stakes competitions are nerve-racking and all-consuming, so I understand.
I wish she’d be more open with me about it, though. I wish I could show her I can help.
Hoping to do just that, I push through the thick doors to the rink itself, finding Nat untying her skates on one of the benches behind the boards. She doesn’t notice me until I slide down beside her—she lifts her head, blinking at me with surprised doe eyes.
The only two people in here are another skater, who’s currently on the ice, and Nat’s coach, who’s focused on the other athlete, but I still keep enough distance to avoid suspicion.
“Hey.” I smile. “I heard your music from the locker room. Thought I’d come check on you.”
“I’m good,” she says, turning back to her feet. Her cheeks are still flushed, breath still heavy from the exertion of her routine. “I just finished. I have class in a bit.”
“How are you feeling, though?”
She slips her foot out of her skate before looking up at me. “About my routine?”
“About everything.”
She swallows, and her eyes go distant before she turns away again, packing her skates in her bag. “I feel good about my routine and the competition.”
“Okay…” On instinct, I extend my arm before snatching it back, my eyes darting around the room to ensure nobody else saw.Fuck. I want to touch her.“What are you not okay about?”
She sighs, shaking her head. I wait for a response she doesn’t provide.
“Is it Ellie?” I ask. “Is something happening between you two? You can…you can talk to me if it is.”
She abruptly sits up straight, her ponytail swaying over a shoulder with her movement. A deep furrow sets in her brows, her lips flattening into a frown. “Nothing is happening with Ellie,” she snaps. “She and I are fine. We’re all fine.”
