Instinct and reason continue to clash as I take in his appearance. I’ve never seen him look this vulnerable. Most of me wants to comfort him. That’s all I’d want for myself in his shoes. But my more rational side snarls to push him away, to punish him for the weeks of neglect. And for once, I let that half win.
“So,nowyou want to talk to me?”
“Lyria—” Finn starts.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
I fold my arms, drawing back.
I thought it wasn’t possible for Finn to look more distraught. But his face crumples another infinitesimal degree.
“Don’t make that face. Don’tLyriame,” I grind out. “I haven’t heard from you in weeks. You didn’t even acknowledge me at the party or at the hospital. You can’t just pretend that I don’t exist and then show up at my door because you need something.”
At least he has the decency to look ashamed. Finn stares down at the floor. “I came to tell you I’m sorry,” he starts to explain.
It’s best not to look at him. I try glaring at the darkened window. “I think you should go.”
He draws a heavy breath. “I thought we understood each other after the garden?”
“I did, too! Before you punched Cygnus! Before you ignored me for weeks!”
Do I really have to explain this to him?
Finn staggers toward me. “Lyria, I couldn’t evenlookat you after what I did! I couldn’t face myself! I was so ashamed, I even asked my father to send me to the front lines in Sontaag, but he refused—”
My stomach twists. “Youwhat?”
“What I did to Cygnus is unforgivable—”
I cut him off. “Why would you send yourself to the front lines?”
“Because it’s what I deserve.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because I’m a monster!” He sinks into a chair, looking tortured as the words tumble out. “I never meant to hurt him. Cygnus, he’s…he used to be my best friend. I’ve always looked up to him, and he’s always been better at everything, and since he came back from school, he’s wanted nothing to do with me,and…I don’t blame him for that. But when he said those things about you, I just saw red. Because if he hadn’t forced me out of his life, he’d know what you mean to me, and how I feel about you. He’d be the person I was most excited to tell! And then what he said about my troops…That’s my worst fear vocalized. He knows that. And I just…I didn’t think. Because I’ve got dog shit for brains.”
Finn clutches his head between his hands, and his voice drops, wobbling. “I could have maimed him. They thought he was going to go blind. Just because I couldn’t stand hearing the truth…that everybody thinks I’m a joke.”
I draw a very deep breath, closing my eyes. Behind my lids, I see Mother’s look of revulsion and her bloody hands. I can hear her screaming,WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Shame swells through me, rising to match his. I know how it feels to make a horrible mistake.
“What you did was an accident,” I say softly, lifting my eyes back to him. “A stupid one, but…still an accident. It didn’t make me stop wanting to see you. And the last thing I’d ever want is for you to go fight in Sontaag. You’re not a monster. And I don’t think you’re a joke, either.”
Finn releases a long exhalation, his shoulders slumping. “Then…why are you still upset with me?”
“Because…” So many reasons rise, I’m scrambling to pick one.
Because I’m your enemy. Because you’re complicit in Verdinae’s crimes. Because your whole life rests on a lie. Because you hunt Elves like me. Because none of that has stopped me from wanting you.
I grit my teeth. Worse than the sweeping heat of my Talent is the ache in my chest. It feels like a cold blade is slowly being driven between my ribs. When I look at Finn, I see the person who unlocked my cage. Even after everything I have learned andeverything he has done, I still see a dreamscape of an impossible future: deserts and oceans to traverse, cities to explore, children to treasure…a kingdom to lead back to the light.
A fantasy that’s objectively absurd.
And has to end now.
