“I grew up.I got married.”When he waited expectantly, I added, “I couldn’t very well set up house with my husband in my childhood bedroom.”
“I’ll bet it was a beautiful bedroom in a beautiful house,” Peter teased so gently that I couldn’t take offense.
“Yes to both.”
“Big brick thing?Ivy on the walls?Lush grounds?”
“You’ve seen it.”
“No.But I know the area.I’ve represented people from that neighborhood.”
I thought of the Humphreys.They weren’t the kinds of family acquaintances I was proud of.It was one thing for Peter to represent them, that was his job, but it was something else for my father to pal around with a man who’d done what William Humphrey had.My mother kept a discreet distance, still I was amazed that the friendship hadn’t hurt her career.
“Then you know just what it’s like,” I said.
“I know that I’d have given my right arm to grow up in something like it.So it’s hard for me to understand why you left.”
“It shouldn’t be so hard.There are some distinct similarities between being born at the top and being born at the bottom.”
“Oh yeah?”he drawled.“I’m listening.”
“You’re slotted.Whether at the top or the bottom, there are certain expectations you’re supposed to meet.At the bottom, you’re supposed to be rough, down-trodden, angry.At the top, you’re supposed to be self-assured, socially adept and glamorous.In either case, there’s a mold to fit into.I didn’t fit into mine.”
He moved his hand on my arm in a light, gently soothing motion.“I can’t believe that.”
“It’s true.”
“But you’re all those things you mentioned.”
“I’m none of those things—or I didn’t used to be.I’ve come to be pretty self-assured in the past few years, and I guess I can pass in the socially adept department when I have to.But glamorous?I’ve never been that.”I hurried on, lest he think I was fishing for compliments.“Oh, I’m pretty enough.But glamorous is more than just looks.Glamorous is an aura.It’s high gloss and sophistication.It’s knowing the right people and frequenting the right places.It’s seeing and being seen.That all makes me very uncomfortable.”
Just thinking about it, I felt shadows of the old nervousness that used to haunt me day afterday.My hands involuntarily tightened in my lap.“My parents are comfortable with that kind of public life.So are Ian and Samantha.I guess I was cut from a different mold.That life never fit me quite right, and it wasn’t as if I didn’t try.I tried for nearly twenty years.I figured that if I tried long enough and hard enough, at some point things had to click, but they never did.”I looked him in the eye.“So to answer your question, I left because I’d had it with trying to play the part of a Madigan.I was tired.I wanted to be myself.”
Peter’s hand lay still on my arm.He seemed totally engrossed in what I was saying.“Maybe you’re right,” he conceded.“Maybe there is a mold.But you have to fight, really fight to break out of the one at the bottom.From the top you just … drop out.”
I had to make him understand that it wasn’t as simple as that.“It’s still a fight, Peter.In my case, there were endless confrontations in the library at home.Yelling and screaming may seem petty compared to what you went through, but to me it was a nightmare.I’ve always been a pacifist.That’s one of the reasons I never fit in well at home.They’re always fighting.Always.And aboutreallypetty things.”I shuddered.“Believe me, I had to fight to break free.”
At my shudder, Peter’s hand began moving again.“Do you see them often?”
“Once or twice a year.”
“In Phillie?”
I nodded.“They won’t come here.It’s just as well.Given the opportunity, they’d pick my life to pieces.So I go down there.”
“On holidays.”
“Not if I can help it.Holidays are happier up here.I usually just pick an odd weekend to visit.”
“They must be pleased to see you.”
“For the first five minutes.”
“Then what?”
“Then we start fighting.I have my own ideas about things.In recent years, I’ve been more inclined to voice them.That’s what I mean, I guess, about my being more self-assured than I used to be.My life up here is like an anchor.I feel secure here.”
“Maybe that’s because of the friends you’ve made.Maybe if you had friends like that in the other world, you’d feel more secure there.”
